Author: Brooke F.

I’m a college student who has unrealistic dreams of being a famous authoress who writes mystery novels. Either that or a goblin... haven't decided which. I live on a farm up on a hilltop where the wind likes to mess up my hair and the trees sway poetically in the wind.

Sarcastic Sleeping Beauty Part Two

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Part two

After having been secretly wed by the reawakened Royal almoner, the Prince continues to visit the Princess. She bears him two children, L’Aurore (Dawn) and Le Jour (Day), which he keeps secret from his mother, who is of an ogre lineage (Oh, so wouldn’t he have ogre in him too?). When the time comes for the Prince to ascend the throne, he brings his wife, children, and the talabutte (“Count of the Mount”) (Whoever the heck that guy is).

The Ogress Queen Mother sends the young Queen and the children to a house secluded in the woods and directs her cook to prepare the boy with sauce Robert for dinner (One, Cannibal alert! Two, her worthless husband doesn’t have anything to say about this?!).

The humane cook substitutes a lamb for the boy (Because lamb tastes like boys, not that the cook would know or anything), which satisfies the Queen Mother. She then demands the girl but the humane cook, once again, substitutes a young goat (Which tastes like girls? Girls and boys have different tastes?), which also satisfies the Queen Mother. When the Ogress demands that he serve up the young Queen, the young Queen offers to slit her throat so that she may join the children that she imagines are dead. While the Queen Mother is satisfied with a hind prepared with sauce Robert in place of the young Queen, there is a tearful secret reunion of the Queen and her children (Is the Queen really that sad to see her children are alive? They don’t even say they are tears of joy. They make it sound like she’s sad!).

However, the Queen Mother soon discovers the cook’s trick and she prepares a tub in the courtyard filled with vipers and other noxious creatures (Um, that’s nice. Totally normal thing for a Queen to do). The King returns (Wait, where in the world was HE?) in the nick of time and the Ogress, being discovered, throws herself into the tub and is fully consumed (Wait, what? “I have been discovered so let me throw myself into this random tub!). The King, young Queen, and children then live happily ever after (But they never went to visit grandma).

Sarcastic Sleeping Beauty Part one

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Ahem….

Sleeping Beauty, a sarcastic fairytale as commentated and told by me.

Part one

At the christening of a king and queen’s long-wished-for child, seven fairies are invited to be godmothers to the infant princess. The fairies attend the banquet at the palace. Laid before them is a golden casket containing gold jeweled utensils (Because you always welcome people by setting a golden casket before them). Soon after, another fairy enters the palace and is seated without a golden casket (*Gasp* She has no casket! How horrid of her! This story has just started and I’m already confused).

This eighth fairy is overlooked because she has been within a tower for many years and everyone believes her to be dead (“I was just taking a long nap, guys!”).

Six of the other seven fairies then offer their gifts of beauty, wit, grace, dance, song, and music to the infant princess (What a bummer for the princess. What about toys? That’s like getting a hug or handshake for Christmas from your grandmother!).

The eighth fairy is very angry that she has been overlooked and, as her gift, enchants the infant princess so that she will prick her hand on a spindle of a spinning wheel and die (Happy Birthday!). One fairy, who hasn’t yet given her gift, attempts to reverse the evil fairy’s curse. However, she can only do so partially (Of course. She can’t do it fully as it would make things LESS complicated! Duh!). Instead of dying, the Princess will fall into a deep sleep for 100 years (That’s kind of rotten. Happy Birthday again!) and be awakened by a kiss from a prince (Ew. Happy Birthday a third time! Lamest birthday ever).

The king forbids any sort of spinning all throughout the kingdom. Fifteen or sixteen years pass and one day (What’s the difference?), when the king and queen are away (Um, where?), the Princess wanders through the palace rooms (Awesome way to spend your birthday, right?) and comes upon an old woman, spinning with her spindle (Just a random old lady). The princess, curious to try the unfamiliar task (Who cares about spinning? I mean really? Talk about boring), asks the old woman if she can try the spinning wheel. The princess pricks her finger on the spindle and the inevitable (It’s always inevitable) curse is fulfilled. The old woman cries for help and attempts are made to revive the princess (Splash water on her face! Kick her in the ribs! Slap her around a bit! I’m full of ideas!).

The king attributes this to fate and has the Princess carried to the finest room in the palace and placed upon a bed of gold (Ow. Not so comfy sounding) and silver embroidered fabric. The king and queen kiss their daughter goodbye and depart, proclaiming the entrance to be forbidden.

The good fairy who altered the evil prophecy is summoned (“Get your hide back here, our daughter is taking a nap!”). Having great powers of foresight (She should have foreseen the bad fairy at the party in the first stinking place!), the fairy sees that the Princess will awaken to distress when she finds herself alone (Because everyone would have grown old and died. But wouldn’t she grown old too?), so the fairy puts everyone in the castle to sleep. The fairy also summons a forest of trees, brambles and thorns that spring up around the castle, shielding it from the outside world and preventing anyone from disturbing the Princess (Okay, where was this magic when the curse was first cast by the badfairy?).

A hundred years pass and a prince from another family spies the hidden castle during a hunting expedition. His attendants tell him differing stories regarding the castle until an old man recounts his father’s words (Wait, how in the world did this guy’s random father know? everyone’s asleep!): within the castle lies a beautiful princess who is doomed to sleep for a hundred years until a king’s son comes and awakens her (By dumping water on her face! Bwahahaha!).

The prince then braves the tall trees, brambles and thorns which part at his approach, and enters the castle. He passes the sleeping castle folk (Because who cares about them?) and comes across the chamber where the Princess lies asleep on the bed (Creeper alarm! Creeper alarm!). Struck by the radiant beauty before him, he falls on his knees before her. The enchantment comes to an end by a kiss (Wait, she has been there for a hundred years! Wouldn’t she have bad morning breath or something?) and the princess awakens and converses with the prince for a long time (“Why in the world are you kissing sleeping women, you creep!”).

Meanwhile, the rest of the castle awakens and go about their business (And totally don’t notice the fact that everyone is covered in spider webs and everyone has grown beards). The prince and princess walk to the hall of mirrors (the place where vain people go) to dine and are later married by the chaplain in the castle chapel (But she’s over a hundred years old! She is WAY to old for him!).

And they live happily ever after. (Sort of. Read part two and you’ll understand)

Rules for Time Travel and Exploring the Universe

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

A comprehensive and a specific list.

  1. Don’t ask questions you’re not prepared to have answered.
  2. There is always bigger.
  3. There is always weirder.
  4. There Do not disturb the sleeping. But if you do perchance, I hope you have a good pair of running shoes handy.
  5. Speaking of which, have a pair of running shoes at all times.
  6. Expect the unexpected so in that case, it is expected, therefore making everything expected.
  7. Do what you want, but have the firepower to back everything you do.
  8. Or just be incredible good a bluffing.
  9. Do not pet the black holes.
  10. Be on good terms with your own species.
  11. Look but don’t touch unless its completely necessary. And when you do touch, remember that there is a 75% chance that it’ll bite back or absorb you.
  12. It’s just like that sometimes. Die and move on.
  13. Beware the space rocks.
  14. Violence isn’t always the answer but it is sometimes.
  15. Your overall objective is to survive.
  16. The void is watching and judging you harshly.
  17. There are always exceptions
  18. You are immortal until proven otherwise.

Life and Lemons

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

“When Life Gives you Lemons…”

So I haven’t had a ton of time on my hands lately to make a new blog post (fall break has been fun but busy!). So here are some funny finishes to this age old phrase. The original goes:

“When Life Gives you lemons, make Lemonade!”

But everyone deals with circumstances in their own way.

1. When life gives you lemons, throw them back. Didn’t you mommy ever tell you not to accept food from strangers?

2. Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is going to stink.

3. When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

4. When life gives you lemons, plant a lemon tree and put on a t-shirt that says “life” on it and pick the lemons grown on the tree and hand them out on the corner of the road.

5. When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and sit back and let the world try and figure out how you did it.

6. When life gives you lemons, throw them at people!

7. When life gives you lemons, keep them because, hey, free lemons!

8. When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand choclate.

9. When life gives you lemons, find an annoying kid with a paper cut.

The 6 Stages of a Study Session

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Steps of Studying

1. The Motivation

Whenever I need to study for something, at first, I’m pumped. I tell myself this’ll be a breeze and I’ll ace the test and I’ll be so scholarly and wear cool glasses even though I have perfect vision… but when the breeze turns into a hurricane, this motivation quickly leaves, leading me to step 2…

2. The Procrastination

I am a procrastinator. If getting distracted was a sport, I’d be on a Wheaties box. I suppose you could say I’m a pro (crastinator). In this stage Youtube is my biggest enemy and friend at the same time.

3. The Guilt

All through step 2 you are probably pushing back this nagging guilt. In step three this feeling resurfaces, leaving you on the edge of panic. If you are good student, then you’ll probably get your rear and gear and actually study but if you’re anything like me, you will proceed to step 4…

4. The Rationalization

This step is how you get reality to go away when it knocks on your door…

You will rationalize with yourself that you have plenty of time to get your book work done! One of the signs your a rationalizer is you use phrases similar to these:

Just one more episode of Andy Griffith and you’ll study…

Just another game of free cell…

It’s not procrastination if your drinking coffee… it’s procaffinating.

Well, another sentence read! I should reward myself with another study break and another box of pop tarts!

I wonder if iisuperwomanii came out with a new video….

They say if you say something enough, it’ll come true but what about if you ignore it? It’ll go away right? That’s how real life works, right?

Then comes along inevitable step 5…

5. The Realization/Panic

When reality goes from knocking on your door to repeatedly ringing your doorbell, to breaking the door down like some sort of Ninja Chuck Norris. But reality always seem to do this at the last second when you are an hour away from taking that test and you realize you are not toast, but charcoal that is covered in gasoline and gun powder that is on fire as it’s being thrown into an active valcano that is about to errupt! This is when you hit full on panic mode… and when you’re greatest ideas and inspiration comes, leading you to step 6…

6. The Scramble

No, I’m not talking about eggs. This step is also known as the cram. This step is usually about one morning as far time. This is where you cram so many factoids down your brain’s throat (I don’t even know how that works), that it practically shrieks in protest. In this step you burn like 12397 brain cells which is really sad considering you could of killed those cells doing something a lot more enjoyable, like watching Gilgan’s Island or smelling gasoline.

Then you usually end up taking the test, get a passable grade, and then come home, realizing, that the only thing you learned is… oh wait! You didn’t learn anything because all these steps are repeated the next time you have to study for a test! Live and don’t learn, that’s humanity for you!

Sarcastic Snow White

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Sarcastic Snow White

A  beautiful young queen sits sewing at an open window during a winter  snowfall (Why is she letting all the hot air in the castle out and the  snow in? My Mom would yell it me to shut the stinking window! Does she have any idea how much heat costs?! Were you raised in a barn? (Well, this is a fairytale so this may be a possibility…)) when she pricks her finger with her  needle (Smooth one, Queenie), causing three drops of red blood to drip  onto the freshly fallen white snow on the black windowsill. Admiring the  beauty of the resulting color combination, she says to herself, “How I  wish that I had a daughter that had skin as white as snow, lips as red  as blood, and hair as black as ebony” (Okay, this is kind of weird. So  she can have a daughter to her and say, “I jabbed myself in the finger  with a needle and thought of you!”). Soon after that, the Queen gives  birth to a baby daughter, a beautiful and sweet girl with skin as white  as snow (Unless she gets sunburn of course), lips as red as blood, and  hair as black as ebony. She is named ‘Snow White’.  Sadly, the Good Queen, Snow White’s mother, dies during child birth.

After  a year has passed, Snow White’s father, the King, takes a new and  second wife, who is very beautiful but a wicked and vain woman (Aren’t  all stepmothers?). The new queen, Snow White’s evil stepmother,  possesses a magic mirror (Just a random magic mirror that came from  nowhere), which she asks every morning, “Magic mirror on the wall, who  is the fairest one of all? (Not that she’s self absorbed or anything)”  The mirror always replies, “My Queen, you are the fairest one of all.  (Okay, so the mirror’s a suck up?)” The Queen is always pleased with  that because the magic mirror never lies (Or he’s just a suck up like I  said). But as Snow White grows up, she becomes more beautiful each day  and even more beautiful than the Queen, and when the Queen asks her  mirror, it tells her that Snow White is the fairest. (Snitch)

This gives  the queen a great shock. She becomes yellow and green with envy (That’s  why she’s not the fairest of ’em all anymore) and from that hour on, her  heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her more and more each  day. Envy and pride, like ill weeds, grow in her heart taller every day,  until she has no peace day or night (Because she has a weedy heart.  Ever hear of weed killer?). Eventually, the Queen orders a huntsman to  take Snow White into the deepest woods to be killed (Nice mum, ain’t  she?). As proof that Snow White is dead, the Queen demands that he  return with her lungs and liver (So she can do what with it? Eat them  for supper? By now, I wouldn’t be surprised. This stepmom lady has me  freaked out). The huntsman takes Snow White into the forest. After  raising his knife, he finds himself unable to kill her as she sobs  heavily and begs him; “Oh, dear huntsman, don’t kill me! Leave me with  my life; I will run into the forest and never come back!” The huntsman  leaves her behind alive, convinced that the girl would be eaten by some  wild animal (Like that’s any better). He instead brings the Queen the  lungs and liver of a young boar, which is prepared by the cook and eaten  by the Queen (I’m serious, I have never read this version of the story  before and I just foretold cannibalism).

After wandering through  the forest for days, Snow White discovers a tiny cottage belonging to a  group of Seven Dwarfs. Since no one is at home, she eats some of the  tiny meals, drinks some of their wine and then tests all the beds  (Sounds like Goldilocks to me). Finally the last bed is comfortable  enough for her and she falls asleep (“This bed is just right.”). When  the seven dwarfs return home, they immediately become aware that someone  sneaked in secretly, because everything in their home is in disorder.  During their loud discussion about who sneaked in, they discover the  sleeping Snow White (Who never woke up even though they were having a  loud discussion?). The girl wakes up (Finally) and explains to them what  happened and the dwarfs take pity on her, saying; “If you will keep  house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, and keep  everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us, and you shall  have everything that you want.” They warn her to be careful when alone  at home and to let no one in when they are away delving in the  mountains.

Meanwhile, the Queen asks her mirror once again; “Magic  mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?” The mirror replies;  “My queen, you are the fairest here so true. But Snow White beyond the  mountains at the seven dwarfs is a thousand times more beautiful than  you (Tattle tale mirror)”. The Queen is horrified to learn that the  huntsman has betrayed her and that Snow White is still alive. She keeps  thinking about how to get rid of Snow White, then she disguises herself  as an old peddler. The Queen then walks to the cottage of the dwarfs and  offers her colorful, silky laced bodices and convinces the girl to take  the most beautiful bodice as a present (Wait, so Snow White doesn’t  recognize her? I mean, I know she’s disguised but this IS her mother). Then the Queen laces it so tightly that Snow White  faints (This part makes me breath heavily I can picture it a little too vividly.), causing the Queen to leave  her for dead. But the dwarfs return just in time, and Snow White revives  when the dwarfs loosen the laces.

The next morning the Queen  consults her mirror anew and the mirror reveals Snow White’s survival  (Snitching mirror! Why don’t you give it a rest?). Now infuriated, the Queen  dresses as a comb seller and convinces Snow White to take a beautiful  comb as a present (Come on Snow White, you can’t be that dumb). She  brushes Snow White’s hair with a poisoned comb, and the girl faints  again (Or not. Talk about learning hard), but she is again revived by  the dwarfs. And the next morning the mirror tells the Queen that Snow  White is still “a thousand times more beautiful” (Okay, sounds kind of like the mirror is rubbing it in here.). Now the Queen nearly  has a heart attack in shock and rage (But unfortunately she doesn’t as  then there would be no villain in the story). As a third and last  attempt to rid herself of Snow White, she secretly consults the darkest  magic and makes a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer’s  wife, she offers it to Snow White (Snow White, really. You’ve learned  you lesson by now, right?). The girl is at first hesitant to accept it,  so the Queen cuts the apple in half, eating the white (harmless) half  and giving the red (poisoned) half to Snow White (It would make a  interesting story if she accidentally switched up the halves. And by the  way, where the heck do you find an apple with a different color on each  side? Not suspicious at all.). The girl eagerly (and stupidly) takes a bite and falls  into a state of suspended animation, causing the Queen to triumph. This  time the dwarfs are unable to revive the girl because they cannot find  the source of Snow White’s poor health (I would be ready to give up by  now. She’s not worth it if she’s that stupid), and assuming that she is  dead, they place her in a glass coffin.

Time passes and a prince  traveling through the land sees Snow White (Rotting away in her  coffin?). He strides to her coffin and, enchanted by her beauty,  instantly falls in love with her (Falls in love with a dead body?! What  the-?!). The dwarfs succumb to his entreaties to let him have the  coffin (“Look what I got, mom! A coffin with a dead lady in it!”), and  as his servants carry the coffin away, they stumble on some roots  (Clumsy move). The tremor caused by the stumbling causes the piece of  poisoned apple to dislodge from Snow White’s throat, awakening her (So  the coffin doesn’t shatter at all? Tough glass. And so the Prince  doesn’t kiss her to make her awake? Well, I suppose that’s better.  Kissing dead bodies is on an even creepier level). The Prince then  declares his love for her (People in these stories are so shallow), and  soon a wedding is planned. The couple invite every queen and king to  come to the wedding party, including Snow White’s step-mother.  Meanwhile, the Queen, still believing that Snow White is dead, again  asks her magical mirror who is the fairest in the land. The mirror says;  “You, my queen, are fair so true. But the young Queen is a thousand  times fairer than you (Man, what a squealer!)”.

Appalled, in  disbelief, and with her heart full of fear and doubts, the Queen is at  first hesitant to accept the invitation, but she eventually decides to  go (Because they’re gonna have cake!). Not knowing that this new queen  was indeed her stepdaughter, she arrives at the wedding, and her heart  fills with the deepest of anger when she realizes the truth. As a  punishment for her attempted murders, a pair of glowing-hot iron shoes  are brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She is forced  to step into the burning shoes and to dance until she drops dead (Ow,  ow, ow, ow! I definitely did NOT see that in the Disney movie!).

(With the dead body of the Queen laying on the ground, the couple are married. And, um, they live happily ever after? )

Things I, as a bookworm, am upset about

~ Brooke F. ~ 3 Comments

Sequels coming out too far apart that I’ve completely forgotten what’s happened in the first book. Sorry. I’ve moved on. 

Those stickers on the back of books that don’t peel away cleanly. 

When there’s no plot summary on the back of the book and it’s just reviews 

Dog-earing pages??? Like why would you???

That time the library of Alexandria got burned down. 

That annoying eye skip thing I do when I’m reading and I’m excited and my eyes just skip to the dialogue and I feel like I’m spoiling stuff for myself. 

That point of view switch thing happens at the most inconvenient time. 

Weird smelling books. (Books can hold smells. Once I opened one from the library and it smelled like cigarette smoke. Books are supposed to smell like heaven and knowledge.)

Books aren’t waterproof for some reason???? Like, what if I wanna read it in a bubble bath or shower? Or maybe I just wanna protect it from my tears…

Sequels coming out with a different cover design, size, etc.

Or, a good book with a bad cover design.

Reading a really good book and loving it but knowing in the back of your head you’ll have to find one just as good if not better in the future and that will lead to overall discouragement and kick me into a reading slump and notice how “you” and turned into “me” because in reality I am very much talking about myself cause I do this all the time ya feel me?

That time I Went to a Job Shadowing Event

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

That time I Went to a Job Shadowing Event

I’m in virtual school. It’s a little bit different from the standard homeschool format but I like it cause all of my work it in one place. Online. 

Though one thing about it is they really wanna give us virtual school students a chance at the “normal school experience” (which I don’t want which is why I’m homeschooled in the first place).

And so they arrange a lot of events. Some are fun, some are informative, and some are not so enjoyable. It’s a mixed basket. 

Anyhow, one events that they offered was a job shadowing event. This one actually caught my attention which is pretty rare when it comes to their activities which are usually college fairs and then like. 

I was kind of at a loss at the time at what career I wanted to pursue (still am) so this looked like a great opportunity. 

But one thing the email GREATLY emphasized was professionalism. They had a dress code and reiterated that we were representing Robertson County schools and were to be SUPREMELY PROFESSIONAL OR ELSE.

So I decided to job shadow a writer. Basically I was just going to meet a writer at a coffee shop downtown and talk about writing a career. Sounds fun. 

A week later I found myself in a coffee shop looking for my “contact”. I felt kind of like a spy and I almost wished there was a secret code like “the chicken has flown the nest” or something like that. 

Anyway, he was relatively easy to find. And so he offered to buy me a coffee from the shop. Me, being the very, very, white girl I am, said sure. 

I got an Iced caramel coffee. I’ve never been a huge coffee drinker and I liked it sweet so I thought it was a relatively safe drink. 

So upon getting my drink we talked about writing, getting published, self publishing and going through a publisher. It was all very informative. 

Then I took a sip of my drink. I was not prepared for the flavor that assaulted my taste buds. 

It wasn’t bitter.  Nor was it sweet. It was sour. Incredibly sour.  Like bad milk kind of sour.

Listen, I’m no expert. There’s a lot of things coffee should and can be. Sour is not one of them. 

But, ladies and gents, I live in the south. The very polite south. The south where if someone buys you something or sets food in front of you, you eat it. How nasty it is is not a part of the equation. 

So the job shadowing event was fun except for the fact that I was actively trying to consume this positively nasty drink while still acting professional. Which was kind of hard because spewing your coffee over someone could be seen as “unprofessional”,

So yeah, that was a memorable experience.