Ahem….
Sleeping Beauty, a sarcastic fairytale as commentated and told by me.
Part one
At the christening of a king and queen’s long-wished-for child, seven fairies are invited to be godmothers to the infant princess. The fairies attend the banquet at the palace. Laid before them is a golden casket containing gold jeweled utensils (Because you always welcome people by setting a golden casket before them). Soon after, another fairy enters the palace and is seated without a golden casket (*Gasp* She has no casket! How horrid of her! This story has just started and I’m already confused).
This eighth fairy is overlooked because she has been within a tower for many years and everyone believes her to be dead (“I was just taking a long nap, guys!”).
Six of the other seven fairies then offer their gifts of beauty, wit, grace, dance, song, and music to the infant princess (What a bummer for the princess. What about toys? That’s like getting a hug or handshake for Christmas from your grandmother!).
The eighth fairy is very angry that she has been overlooked and, as her gift, enchants the infant princess so that she will prick her hand on a spindle of a spinning wheel and die (Happy Birthday!). One fairy, who hasn’t yet given her gift, attempts to reverse the evil fairy’s curse. However, she can only do so partially (Of course. She can’t do it fully as it would make things LESS complicated! Duh!). Instead of dying, the Princess will fall into a deep sleep for 100 years (That’s kind of rotten. Happy Birthday again!) and be awakened by a kiss from a prince (Ew. Happy Birthday a third time! Lamest birthday ever).
The king forbids any sort of spinning all throughout the kingdom. Fifteen or sixteen years pass and one day (What’s the difference?), when the king and queen are away (Um, where?), the Princess wanders through the palace rooms (Awesome way to spend your birthday, right?) and comes upon an old woman, spinning with her spindle (Just a random old lady). The princess, curious to try the unfamiliar task (Who cares about spinning? I mean really? Talk about boring), asks the old woman if she can try the spinning wheel. The princess pricks her finger on the spindle and the inevitable (It’s always inevitable) curse is fulfilled. The old woman cries for help and attempts are made to revive the princess (Splash water on her face! Kick her in the ribs! Slap her around a bit! I’m full of ideas!).
The king attributes this to fate and has the Princess carried to the finest room in the palace and placed upon a bed of gold (Ow. Not so comfy sounding) and silver embroidered fabric. The king and queen kiss their daughter goodbye and depart, proclaiming the entrance to be forbidden.
The good fairy who altered the evil prophecy is summoned (“Get your hide back here, our daughter is taking a nap!”). Having great powers of foresight (She should have foreseen the bad fairy at the party in the first stinking place!), the fairy sees that the Princess will awaken to distress when she finds herself alone (Because everyone would have grown old and died. But wouldn’t she grown old too?), so the fairy puts everyone in the castle to sleep. The fairy also summons a forest of trees, brambles and thorns that spring up around the castle, shielding it from the outside world and preventing anyone from disturbing the Princess (Okay, where was this magic when the curse was first cast by the badfairy?).
A hundred years pass and a prince from another family spies the hidden castle during a hunting expedition. His attendants tell him differing stories regarding the castle until an old man recounts his father’s words (Wait, how in the world did this guy’s random father know? everyone’s asleep!): within the castle lies a beautiful princess who is doomed to sleep for a hundred years until a king’s son comes and awakens her (By dumping water on her face! Bwahahaha!).
The prince then braves the tall trees, brambles and thorns which part at his approach, and enters the castle. He passes the sleeping castle folk (Because who cares about them?) and comes across the chamber where the Princess lies asleep on the bed (Creeper alarm! Creeper alarm!). Struck by the radiant beauty before him, he falls on his knees before her. The enchantment comes to an end by a kiss (Wait, she has been there for a hundred years! Wouldn’t she have bad morning breath or something?) and the princess awakens and converses with the prince for a long time (“Why in the world are you kissing sleeping women, you creep!”).
Meanwhile, the rest of the castle awakens and go about their business (And totally don’t notice the fact that everyone is covered in spider webs and everyone has grown beards). The prince and princess walk to the hall of mirrors (the place where vain people go) to dine and are later married by the chaplain in the castle chapel (But she’s over a hundred years old! She is WAY to old for him!).
And they live happily ever after. (Sort of. Read part two and you’ll understand)
By the Brooke 