Wow! Where to begin, where to begin…

First off, hey there freshman me. Hope you’re doing well.

But I know you’re not doing well. You can’t hide it from others and most importantly, you can’t hide it from yourself. I know you’ve been trying but it just makes stuff all that much hard. When you’re hurting, sometimes it makes it worse to walk around on that broken leg or with that emotional wound exposed to the world. And all the while you’re telling yourself “yeah, I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m gonna be okay.”

Girl, stop it.

Truthfully, if this letter really could reach back in time, I think you really just needed to be served some hard truths mixed with what you were really craving during that time: a little bit of hope. Funny how those things can walk hand and hand.

Loving truth.

Those words shouldn’t be separate. They shouldn’t be seen as opposites that you must balance equally on a scale. They are partners. Perfect partners.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Dear Freshman Me,

You’re tired, aren’t you? You’ve been here before, haven’t you? And that frustrates you.

In middle school and high school, you fought tooth and nail to just be comfortable in your own skin. You desperately wanted to see some self-worth in that mirror of yours and you thought you finally had it a few years ago. You thought, Wow, glad I figured that out! Now I’m good for life!

You were not good for life.

Loving yourself and figuring out how to be a healthy individual is not a one time thing and you’re done. You have to relearn how to be comfortable with who you are and where you’re at every single time a big change comes along. (And sometimes it doesnt even have to be a big change).

And now you’re learning it in college. Which, turns out, is a lot harder than you imagined. And so you’re in denial while simultaneously being mad at yourself for not being happy or the least bit healthy. You are a champion at beating yourself up and that needs to stop because it will quite literally kill you.

This lens that you’re viewing life from is also jacked up. You’re stressing waaaaay to much over the stuff that doesn’t matter. The stuff that is out of your control. You have a work ethic, and I’m proud of you. But no amount of work will guarantee you EVERYTHING to go your way. And I know that’s going to be hard to accept.

As much as I want you to believe that you can work hard for nearly anything and reach that goal… that’s not 100% true. This is a good philosophy to hold but it is not a promise. It was never a promise.

So when you get crappy teachers, lose your job because of a pandemic, get mistreated and let down by friends and family alike, don’t quite meet the criteria for that scholarship, don’t pass that midterm despite studying for days… don’t internalize it. Take a deep breath and evaluate. Don’t blame. Evaluate.

Because sometimes, as I’m sure you’re aware of, you are going to be the bad guy, sometimes it will be your fault, and sometimes you COULD have done better. But that’s not the case here. You tried your best and you know it. And that’s where it should end. None of this beating yourself up and SEARCHING for reasons that it was your fault, because if it was, that implies you had some sort of control in the situation.

So stop! Be proud of yourself for just a couple seconds. Please. You got here and that’s worth celebrating, whether or not you choose to continue down this path or reavluate.

Secondly, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know you can’t see it and there will be more days in the future when you can’t see it, but you’ve gotta hold your feelings loosely. Yes, they’re important and they should be addressed but feelings can be a big ol’ liar too. So have a little faith.

Did you know, you’d finish the rough draft of your novel this year? You’re going to do that! Four years in the making and you’ll be able to print it out and begin the editing process and showing it to your friends! It’s going to be awesome!

You’re going to meet new people and they’re going to be great. I know some stuff hasn’t gone how you expected when it came to your social life, but people are going to let you done and sometimes you’re going to have to make the hard decision to move on without them, BUT (and there’s always a but) there are going to be some really neat new people for you to meet out there. That, and the ones who’ve stuck around, your friendships with them will only continue to strengthen.

You remember that saying? The one that goes “when a meeting occurs, a parting is sure to follow?” Well, I’m pretty sure the reverse is also true. Because when a parting occurs, a meeting is sure to follow. I promise you.

Gosh, this is getting long, but I still have so much to tell you.

Did you know you’re going to stop biting your nails? I know that might sound trivial to others but I think we both know the significance of that. A nervous tick that even braces couldn’t get rid of.

You’re going to wake up for classes every morning next semester and feel good! The first day of classes you’re going to cry in the car on the way home not because you’re sad, but because you’re thankful and oh-so relieved because you had a GOOD day and this semester is going to be nothing like this last one.

You’re new job is going to be hard but it’s going to be what you need. And people are going to appreciate and recognize you for your work ethic. I know that’s always meant a lot to you.

You’re going to be able to get coffee with friends and step away from studying with no self guilt. You’re going to cry and pray with that girl in the school library. You know, the one who you’ve been praying you could share your faith with? Yeah, that’s going to happen. You’re going to dissect things and that’s gonna be pretty awesome (the earth worm is kind of gross though, be warned). You’re going to write and write and write. You’re going to travel a little in the summer. Go on a roadtrip with your best friend (Twice!!). You’re going to attend a new bible study and you’re going to walk away from it every Wednesday feeling filled and happy. You’re going to have things to look forward to (you’re going to see the ocean next year!). You’re going to play DnD with old friends and a new one every other Saturday. You’re going to dress up in costumes, hang out with your sister and no longer feel like you’re walking on egg shells. You’re going to be an aunt soon, hold tight. You’re going to turn twenty in a few months.

Things aren’t just going to be okay, they’re going to be good. And you’ve gotta keep going so you can see it. I’m proud of you and wish you the best. There’s going to be some hard stuff up ahead but you’ll get through it. Because it will be good because God is good. And you’re going to feel that very soon.

Ugh, sorry, this is getting long. I know you probably have a mountain of biology homework to do so I’ll let you go. Take care of yourself, alright?

Love,

Sophomore Me