Tag: sarcastic

Sarcastic Cinderella

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Sarcastic Cinderella

Once upon a time, there was a wealthy widower who married a proud and haughty woman as his second wife (First mistake buddy). She had two daughters, who were equally vain and selfish (Wow, that mistake didn’t take long to bear trouble). By his first wife, he’d had a beautiful young daughter, a girl of unparalleled goodness and sweet temper (He should of stuck with the first wife).

The stepmother and her daughters forced the first daughter into servitude, where she was made  to work day and night doing menial chores (And the father did nothing about this?!). After the girl’s chores were done for the day, she would retire to the barren and cold room given to her, and would curl up near the fireplace in an effort to stay warm (But not catch on fire). She would often arise covered in cinders, giving rise to the mocking nickname “Cinderella” by her stepsisters. Cinderella bore the abuse patiently and dared not tell her father, since his 2nd wife controlled him entirely (Rotten father that is. Talk about pathetic).

One day, the Prince invited all the young ladies in the land to a ball, planning to choose a wife from amongst them (“Come to this ball so you may be married to a scabby faced prince!”). The two stepsisters gleefully planned their wardrobes for the ball, and taunted Cinderella by telling her that maids were not invited to the ball (Technically she’s not a maid).

As the sisters departed to the ball, Cinderella cried in despair (“Boohoo, I cannot marry a scabby faced prince!”). Her Fairy Godmother magically appeared (Alright, where was this lady however many years ago when her father married the jerk stepmom?) and immediately began to transform Cinderella from house servant to the young lady she was by birth, all in the effort to get Cinderella to the ball (Seems like a lot of trouble just to go to a party).

She turned a pumpkin into a golden carriage, mice into horses, a rat into a coachman, and lizards into footmen. She then turned Cinderella’s rags into a beautiful jeweled gown, complete with a delicate pair of glass slippers (Wouldn’t they break when she runs? Ouch! Talk about walking on broken glass!). The Godmother told her to enjoy the ball, but warned that she had to return before midnight, when the spells would be broken (Also that’s your bedtime).

At the ball, the entire court was entranced by Cinderella, especially the Prince (Because he is also shallow as well as scabby). At this first ball, Cinderella remembers to leave before midnight. Back home, Cinderella graciously thanked her Godmother. She then greeted the stepsisters, who had not recognized her earlier and talked of nothing but the beautiful girl at the ball (They must be blind. Clothes does not change a person, ladies).

Another ball was held the next evening, and Cinderella again attended with her Godmother’s help. The Prince had become even more infatuated, and Cinderella in turn became so enchanted by him she lost track of time and left only at the final stroke of midnight, losing one of her glass slippers on the steps of the palace in her haste (They should of broke here). The Prince chased her (Okay, creeper), but outside the palace, the guards saw only a simple country girl leave. The Prince pocketed the slipper and vowed to find and marry the girl to whom it belonged  (Whether she wanted to or not?). Meanwhile, Cinderella kept the other slipper, which did not disappear when the spell was broken.

The Prince tried the slipper on all the women in the kingdom (Wouldn’t the shoe have some foot funk in it by the time it came to Cinderella?). When the Prince arrives at Cinderella’s villa, the stepsisters tried in vain to win over the prince as they wanted the prince. Cinderella asked if she might try, while the stepsisters taunted her. Naturally, the slipper fit perfectly, and Cinderella produced the other slipper for good measure. The stepsisters both pleaded for forgiveness, and Cinderella agreed to let bygones be bygones (Talk about overly good natured. It least make them grovel a bit…).

Cinderella married the Prince, and the stepsisters married two lords (Because the moral is, act like a jerk until your enemy gets the other hand, then beg for forgiveness and you get a good part of the deal in the end).

(In short, this is a story of how a teenager sneaked out to a party at night, and stayed up too late, and was cranky the next morning! The morals in this are golden)

Sarcastic Sleeping Beauty Part Two

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Part two

After having been secretly wed by the reawakened Royal almoner, the Prince continues to visit the Princess. She bears him two children, L’Aurore (Dawn) and Le Jour (Day), which he keeps secret from his mother, who is of an ogre lineage (Oh, so wouldn’t he have ogre in him too?). When the time comes for the Prince to ascend the throne, he brings his wife, children, and the talabutte (“Count of the Mount”) (Whoever the heck that guy is).

The Ogress Queen Mother sends the young Queen and the children to a house secluded in the woods and directs her cook to prepare the boy with sauce Robert for dinner (One, Cannibal alert! Two, her worthless husband doesn’t have anything to say about this?!).

The humane cook substitutes a lamb for the boy (Because lamb tastes like boys, not that the cook would know or anything), which satisfies the Queen Mother. She then demands the girl but the humane cook, once again, substitutes a young goat (Which tastes like girls? Girls and boys have different tastes?), which also satisfies the Queen Mother. When the Ogress demands that he serve up the young Queen, the young Queen offers to slit her throat so that she may join the children that she imagines are dead. While the Queen Mother is satisfied with a hind prepared with sauce Robert in place of the young Queen, there is a tearful secret reunion of the Queen and her children (Is the Queen really that sad to see her children are alive? They don’t even say they are tears of joy. They make it sound like she’s sad!).

However, the Queen Mother soon discovers the cook’s trick and she prepares a tub in the courtyard filled with vipers and other noxious creatures (Um, that’s nice. Totally normal thing for a Queen to do). The King returns (Wait, where in the world was HE?) in the nick of time and the Ogress, being discovered, throws herself into the tub and is fully consumed (Wait, what? “I have been discovered so let me throw myself into this random tub!). The King, young Queen, and children then live happily ever after (But they never went to visit grandma).

Sarcastic Snow White

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Sarcastic Snow White

A  beautiful young queen sits sewing at an open window during a winter  snowfall (Why is she letting all the hot air in the castle out and the  snow in? My Mom would yell it me to shut the stinking window! Does she have any idea how much heat costs?! Were you raised in a barn? (Well, this is a fairytale so this may be a possibility…)) when she pricks her finger with her  needle (Smooth one, Queenie), causing three drops of red blood to drip  onto the freshly fallen white snow on the black windowsill. Admiring the  beauty of the resulting color combination, she says to herself, “How I  wish that I had a daughter that had skin as white as snow, lips as red  as blood, and hair as black as ebony” (Okay, this is kind of weird. So  she can have a daughter to her and say, “I jabbed myself in the finger  with a needle and thought of you!”). Soon after that, the Queen gives  birth to a baby daughter, a beautiful and sweet girl with skin as white  as snow (Unless she gets sunburn of course), lips as red as blood, and  hair as black as ebony. She is named ‘Snow White’.  Sadly, the Good Queen, Snow White’s mother, dies during child birth.

After  a year has passed, Snow White’s father, the King, takes a new and  second wife, who is very beautiful but a wicked and vain woman (Aren’t  all stepmothers?). The new queen, Snow White’s evil stepmother,  possesses a magic mirror (Just a random magic mirror that came from  nowhere), which she asks every morning, “Magic mirror on the wall, who  is the fairest one of all? (Not that she’s self absorbed or anything)”  The mirror always replies, “My Queen, you are the fairest one of all.  (Okay, so the mirror’s a suck up?)” The Queen is always pleased with  that because the magic mirror never lies (Or he’s just a suck up like I  said). But as Snow White grows up, she becomes more beautiful each day  and even more beautiful than the Queen, and when the Queen asks her  mirror, it tells her that Snow White is the fairest. (Snitch)

This gives  the queen a great shock. She becomes yellow and green with envy (That’s  why she’s not the fairest of ’em all anymore) and from that hour on, her  heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her more and more each  day. Envy and pride, like ill weeds, grow in her heart taller every day,  until she has no peace day or night (Because she has a weedy heart.  Ever hear of weed killer?). Eventually, the Queen orders a huntsman to  take Snow White into the deepest woods to be killed (Nice mum, ain’t  she?). As proof that Snow White is dead, the Queen demands that he  return with her lungs and liver (So she can do what with it? Eat them  for supper? By now, I wouldn’t be surprised. This stepmom lady has me  freaked out). The huntsman takes Snow White into the forest. After  raising his knife, he finds himself unable to kill her as she sobs  heavily and begs him; “Oh, dear huntsman, don’t kill me! Leave me with  my life; I will run into the forest and never come back!” The huntsman  leaves her behind alive, convinced that the girl would be eaten by some  wild animal (Like that’s any better). He instead brings the Queen the  lungs and liver of a young boar, which is prepared by the cook and eaten  by the Queen (I’m serious, I have never read this version of the story  before and I just foretold cannibalism).

After wandering through  the forest for days, Snow White discovers a tiny cottage belonging to a  group of Seven Dwarfs. Since no one is at home, she eats some of the  tiny meals, drinks some of their wine and then tests all the beds  (Sounds like Goldilocks to me). Finally the last bed is comfortable  enough for her and she falls asleep (“This bed is just right.”). When  the seven dwarfs return home, they immediately become aware that someone  sneaked in secretly, because everything in their home is in disorder.  During their loud discussion about who sneaked in, they discover the  sleeping Snow White (Who never woke up even though they were having a  loud discussion?). The girl wakes up (Finally) and explains to them what  happened and the dwarfs take pity on her, saying; “If you will keep  house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, and keep  everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us, and you shall  have everything that you want.” They warn her to be careful when alone  at home and to let no one in when they are away delving in the  mountains.

Meanwhile, the Queen asks her mirror once again; “Magic  mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?” The mirror replies;  “My queen, you are the fairest here so true. But Snow White beyond the  mountains at the seven dwarfs is a thousand times more beautiful than  you (Tattle tale mirror)”. The Queen is horrified to learn that the  huntsman has betrayed her and that Snow White is still alive. She keeps  thinking about how to get rid of Snow White, then she disguises herself  as an old peddler. The Queen then walks to the cottage of the dwarfs and  offers her colorful, silky laced bodices and convinces the girl to take  the most beautiful bodice as a present (Wait, so Snow White doesn’t  recognize her? I mean, I know she’s disguised but this IS her mother). Then the Queen laces it so tightly that Snow White  faints (This part makes me breath heavily I can picture it a little too vividly.), causing the Queen to leave  her for dead. But the dwarfs return just in time, and Snow White revives  when the dwarfs loosen the laces.

The next morning the Queen  consults her mirror anew and the mirror reveals Snow White’s survival  (Snitching mirror! Why don’t you give it a rest?). Now infuriated, the Queen  dresses as a comb seller and convinces Snow White to take a beautiful  comb as a present (Come on Snow White, you can’t be that dumb). She  brushes Snow White’s hair with a poisoned comb, and the girl faints  again (Or not. Talk about learning hard), but she is again revived by  the dwarfs. And the next morning the mirror tells the Queen that Snow  White is still “a thousand times more beautiful” (Okay, sounds kind of like the mirror is rubbing it in here.). Now the Queen nearly  has a heart attack in shock and rage (But unfortunately she doesn’t as  then there would be no villain in the story). As a third and last  attempt to rid herself of Snow White, she secretly consults the darkest  magic and makes a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer’s  wife, she offers it to Snow White (Snow White, really. You’ve learned  you lesson by now, right?). The girl is at first hesitant to accept it,  so the Queen cuts the apple in half, eating the white (harmless) half  and giving the red (poisoned) half to Snow White (It would make a  interesting story if she accidentally switched up the halves. And by the  way, where the heck do you find an apple with a different color on each  side? Not suspicious at all.). The girl eagerly (and stupidly) takes a bite and falls  into a state of suspended animation, causing the Queen to triumph. This  time the dwarfs are unable to revive the girl because they cannot find  the source of Snow White’s poor health (I would be ready to give up by  now. She’s not worth it if she’s that stupid), and assuming that she is  dead, they place her in a glass coffin.

Time passes and a prince  traveling through the land sees Snow White (Rotting away in her  coffin?). He strides to her coffin and, enchanted by her beauty,  instantly falls in love with her (Falls in love with a dead body?! What  the-?!). The dwarfs succumb to his entreaties to let him have the  coffin (“Look what I got, mom! A coffin with a dead lady in it!”), and  as his servants carry the coffin away, they stumble on some roots  (Clumsy move). The tremor caused by the stumbling causes the piece of  poisoned apple to dislodge from Snow White’s throat, awakening her (So  the coffin doesn’t shatter at all? Tough glass. And so the Prince  doesn’t kiss her to make her awake? Well, I suppose that’s better.  Kissing dead bodies is on an even creepier level). The Prince then  declares his love for her (People in these stories are so shallow), and  soon a wedding is planned. The couple invite every queen and king to  come to the wedding party, including Snow White’s step-mother.  Meanwhile, the Queen, still believing that Snow White is dead, again  asks her magical mirror who is the fairest in the land. The mirror says;  “You, my queen, are fair so true. But the young Queen is a thousand  times fairer than you (Man, what a squealer!)”.

Appalled, in  disbelief, and with her heart full of fear and doubts, the Queen is at  first hesitant to accept the invitation, but she eventually decides to  go (Because they’re gonna have cake!). Not knowing that this new queen  was indeed her stepdaughter, she arrives at the wedding, and her heart  fills with the deepest of anger when she realizes the truth. As a  punishment for her attempted murders, a pair of glowing-hot iron shoes  are brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She is forced  to step into the burning shoes and to dance until she drops dead (Ow,  ow, ow, ow! I definitely did NOT see that in the Disney movie!).

(With the dead body of the Queen laying on the ground, the couple are married. And, um, they live happily ever after? )

The Sarcastic Little Mermaid

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Gather round children and hear a tale! A tale of how a mermaid loved a prince so much, that she was willing to dump her entire family and fishy friends for him only to die tragically (spoiler alert!)

Ladies and gents, I present: The Sarcastic Little Mermaid

The Little Mermaid (She has no name. Just “The little mermaid”. What would her name if she wasn’t little? The medium mermaid? The big mermaid? You can’t just boil people down to fry sizes!) dwells in an underwater kingdom with her father (the sea king or mer-king), her dowager grandmother, and her five older sisters, each of whom had been born one year apart (Her mom had like NO rest at all between children). When a mermaid turns 15, she is permitted to swim to the surface for the first time to glimpse the world above, and when the sisters become old enough, each of them visits the upper world one at a time every year (Two of them at a time is not allowed because why?). As each returns, the Little Mermaid listens longingly to their various descriptions of the world inhabited by human beings (“It smells of rotting eggs and you get sunburn! Ain’t earth great?”).

When the Little Mermaid’s turn comes, she rises up to the surface, watches a birthday celebration being held on a ship in honor of a handsome prince, and falls in love (By looking at his face of manliness) with him from a safe distance (Okay, so if you’re at a safe distance, how can you even tell what he looks like in the first place? And even if you can, talk about SHALLOW!). A violent storm hits (Out of nowhere. Apparently the dude in the crow’s nest was taking a nap or whatever), and the Little Mermaid saves the prince from drowning (Wait, he’s on a ship and he can’t even swim. Get a life jacket!). She delivers him unconscious to the shore near a temple (What temple? Wouldn’t she have to like, walk TO the temple? Bad architecture design to put a temple right at the waters edge, just sayin’). Here, she waits until a young girl from the temple and her companions find him. To her dismay, the prince never sees the Little Mermaid or even realizes that it was she who had originally saved his life (wasn’t like he was unconscious or anything).

The Little Mermaid becomes melancholy and asks her grandmother if humans can live forever and if they can breathe under water. The grandmother explains that humans have a much shorter lifespan than merfolks’ 300 years, but that when mermaids die, they turn to sea foam and cease to exist, while humans have an eternal soul that lives on in heaven (So who REALLY gets the raw end of the deal here?). The Little Mermaid, longing for the prince and an eternal soul (She wants a soul? Not creepy at all!), eventually visits the Sea Witch in a dangerous section of the ocean (And that would be where? Marina trench perhaps). The witch willingly (*Ominous music*) helps her by selling her a potion that gives her legs in exchange for her tongue (And they made this into a Disney movie. Totally kid friendly material there! “I’ll give you my tongue and you hand over a leg and we’re even”). The Sea Witch warns that once she becomes a human, she will never be able to return to the sea (Unless you go swimming or buy some scuba gear). Consuming the potion will make her feel as if a sword is being passed through her body (Okay, ow), yet when she recovers, she will have two human legs and will be able to dance like no human has ever danced before (What does DANCING have to do with anything? I should hope you can WALK). However, she will constantly feel as if she is walking on sharp knives and as though her toes are bleeding (And she agrees to this?). In addition, she will obtain a soul only if she wins the love of the prince and marries him, for then a part of his soul will flow into her (Oh…okay?). Otherwise, at dawn on the first day after he marries another woman, the Little Mermaid will die brokenhearted and disintegrate into sea foam upon the waves. (Welll this sounds like a wonderful deal that couldn’t possibly grow wrong! Where do I sign?)

The Little Mermaid agrees to this arrangement (Yeah, dump your family and life for a prince you met from “a safe distance” with only a slight chance of winning his love and you will most likely die alone and broken hearted. Sounds fair) and the Sea Witch cuts off her tongue. The Little Mermaid swims to the surface near the palace of the prince and drinks the potion. She is found by the prince, who is mesmerized by her beauty and grace (Alright, everyone in the story is officially just plain upright shallow. Great moral here), even though she is considered by everyone in the kingdom as dumb and mute (I can vouch for the dumb part. Still can’t believe she went through with it). Most of all, he likes to see her dance, and she dances for him despite suffering excruciating pain with every step (Lovely). Soon, the Little Mermaid becomes the prince’s favorite companion and accompanies him on many of his outings. When the prince’s parents order their son to marry the neighboring princess in an arranged marriage, the prince tells the Little Mermaid he will not because he does not love the princess. He goes on to say he can only love the young woman from the temple, who he believes rescued him (But you were unconscious! What?). It turns out that the princess from the neighboring kingdom is the temple girl, sent there only temporarily to be educated (On what, may I ask? Taking, er, temple classes? I don’t know). The prince loves her, and the royal wedding is announced at once.

The prince and princess celebrate on a wedding ship, and the Little Mermaid’s heart breaks. She thinks of all that she has sacrificed and of all the pain she has endured. She despairs, thinking of the death that awaits her, but before dawn, her sisters rise out of the water and bring her a dagger that the Sea Witch has given them in exchange for their long, beautiful hair. If the Little Mermaid slays the prince with the dagger and lets his blood drip on her feet (Again, totally kid friendly. Disney accidentally left out THAT part), she will become a mermaid once more, all her suffering will end, and she will live out her full life in the ocean with her family (Whom she dumped for a shallow prince whom she met from “A safe distance”).

However, the Little Mermaid cannot bring herself to kill the sleeping prince lying with his new bride (Whoa. Creeper alert!), and she throws the dagger and herself off the ship into the water just as dawn breaks. Her body dissolves into foam, but instead of ceasing to exist, she feels the warm sun and discovers that she has turned into a luminous and ethereal earthbound spirit, a daughter of the air. As the Little Mermaid ascends into the atmosphere, she is greeted by other daughters who tell her she has become like them because she strove with all her heart to obtain an immortal soul. Because of her selflessness, she will be given the chance to earn her own soul by doing good deeds to mankind for 300 years (Not long at all! By the way, how can she do good deeds if she’s dead?) and will one day rise up into the Kingdom of God (One day. But for now she will live out her days in pain and suffering. Yeah, she totally lived happily ever after).