Recently, a certain topic has been occupying my thoughts more and more. I have read a few books and listened to a handful of podcasts on it, yet I still feel like it is not discussed nearly enough. I am, of course, talking about friendship. Female friendship specifically.

Right now, we live in a time where dating advice is everywhere. Dating coaches dominate social media feeds, and the internet is overflowing with content about how to attract, keep, or heal from “the one.” Meanwhile, friendship, and the role it plays in shaping our lives, often feels like an afterthought. It is treated as something secondary or assumed, rather than something that also requires intention, care, and understanding.

My interest in this topic has only grown as I have moved through different stages of life. There are particular growing pains that surface when you and your friends make the leap from high school to college. Things become complicated, but not in the dramatic, obvious ways we expect. Instead, the complications are quieter, slower, and often harder to name.

High school friendships are already known for their turbulence. There are obvious highs and lows, and plenty of material there for discussion. Lately, though, what draws my attention most are articles and podcasts that focus on adult friendship. These are conversations led by people who are trying to put language to experiences many of us share, especially those that feel unique to this moment in history. How do you transition from high school to college without losing everyone you care about? Why does it suddenly feel like people are drifting away or ignoring you? Why do your friends start changing in ways that make you wonder whether the friendship can survive at all?

There are also new complications that previous generations did not have to navigate in quite the same way. I have a friend who is a terrible texter, and our friendship has suffered because of long distance. Before the age of phones, this kind of constant but uneven communication was barely possible. Now, silence can feel personal, even when it is not meant to be. We find ourselves living in a unique era for adult friendship, one shaped by technology, mobility, and shifting expectations. That reality fascinates me.

These nuances still feel under-discussed, so I want to share a few of the voices I have been reading and listening to lately that have really fueled my interest in this topic.

First, and easily my favorite, is Alexandra Hayes Robinson. She is a YouTuber who runs an advice column, and she gives friendship the kind of thoughtful attention it deserves. One of her most well-known ideas is the “six besties” theory, which I love so much that I want to briefly recap it here.

The core idea is that different friends play different roles in your life, with varying levels of closeness and responsibility. She talks about a Good-Time Bestie, someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with and can have fun with, but who may not be the person you call during a crisis. She also introduces the North Star Bestie, the friend who plays an active, steady role in your life and who feels safe knowing the deepest parts of you. She goes on to describe coworker besties, people you genuinely like and enjoy within a work environment, even if you rarely see each other outside of professional settings, along with other friendship categories that reflect real adult dynamics.

I appreciate this theory because it helps make sense of how messy adult friendships can look once you leave the structured world of school. Not every friendship has to be all-consuming or lifelong to be meaningful. This framework allows for friendships to shift without immediately jumping to the conclusion that they have failed or must be ended entirely.

I also think this approach helps manage expectations. Not every friend can, or should, meet the same emotional needs. This theory simply gives language to a truth many of us already feel but struggle to articulate. For that reason alone, I highly recommend checking her work out.

Next up is Charlotte Morabito. While I do not watch her content quite as regularly, she has a strong catalog of thoughtful videos on friendship, particularly on the unhealthy mindsets we often cling to that end up creating unnecessary conflict in our relationships.

Just this morning, I watched an excellent video of hers titled “Why You Always Care More Than Your Friends.” What I appreciated most is what the video does not do. She does not default to the familiar narrative of telling you that you are “just such a giver,” while everyone else is lazy, selfish, or simply not worthy of your time. There is no rush to villainize your friends or to encourage cutting people off at the first sign of imbalance.

Instead, she approaches the topic with a more critical and grounded lens, walking through a variety of dynamics that could realistically be at play. One possibility she explores is the idea that you might be trying to prove your friendship to someone by immediately showering them with praise, favors, and attention. While this often comes from a good place, it can quickly become overwhelming and even unhealthy, especially when it is rooted in insecurity or fear of being abandoned.

She also talks about how mismatched expectations can quietly erode friendships. It is possible that you have never clearly communicated what you need from your friends. Maybe they genuinely believe you enjoy planning every outing or initiating every conversation and do not want to step on your toes. In that case, what feels like neglect to you may simply be a misunderstanding on their end.

I really appreciate this framework for discussion because it steers away from accusation and instead encourages self-reflection. It asks people to consider how their own patterns, assumptions, and unspoken expectations might be contributing to the situation or even creating it entirely. If there is one thing that feels universally true, it is that people can get very lost inside their own heads.

Anyway, I have linked the video below if you are interested in checking it out for yourself.

Third up is Psychology with Dr. Ana. She is a licensed psychologist, which brings a slightly different and more scientific perspective to many of the scenarios she discusses, and that is especially true when it comes to her conversations about friendship.

Much of her content centers on the expectations we carry in our heads but never actually communicate to the people around us. She talks about boundaries, the importance of naming your needs, and the thinking patterns that can quietly cause us to get in our own way without us realizing it. Rather than framing these issues as personal failures, she presents them as habits that can be examined and adjusted with awareness and practice.

What I appreciate most is that she manages to cover these topics without slipping into overly polished, holier-than-thou therapy language. Her approach feels accessible and practical, which makes her insights easier to absorb and apply to real-life friendships rather than leaving them stuck in the abstract.

Finally, I read a book. Yes, everyone, I am now an expert.

That said, I will admit it is not as directly related to adult friendship as my previous recommendations. The book focuses specifically on female friendship during middle school and high school. Even so, I found it incredibly relevant. It explores how, as women, our friends often have the ability to wound us more deeply than almost anyone else in our lives, all while leaving us questioning whether we are imagining the hurt in the first place.

A large portion of the book examines female aggression and the subtle ways it tends to be expressed. Rather than overt conflict, it looks at exclusion, silence, passive behavior, and emotional manipulation, patterns that are often dismissed or minimized. While the book is not explicitly about adult friendship, I still think it is an excellent resource for anyone who carries a lot of baggage from past female friendships, or honestly, for anyone at all.

I do not have to tell you that some people do not outgrow the behaviors described in this book. Those patterns can easily follow us into adulthood if they are never named or challenged. Because of that, I also think this book can be useful as a mirror. It gives us the opportunity to check ourselves, to make sure we are saying what we mean, communicating clearly, and having necessary conversations instead of letting resentment quietly build. (See said book below)

IN CONCLUSION…

Friendship is not a static thing we master once and carry effortlessly through life. It changes as we change, shaped by distance, time, technology, and the quiet evolution of who we are becoming. The transition from adolescent friendship to adult friendship can feel disorienting precisely because there are so few clear scripts for it. We are often left trying to interpret silence, shifting priorities, and unmet expectations on our own.

What these books, videos, and conversations have helped me realize is that many of the tensions we experience in friendship are not signs of failure, but signs of growth happening in real time. Adult friendship asks us to be more self-aware, more communicative, and more honest than we were ever required to be before. It challenges us to examine our expectations, our insecurities, and the roles we unconsciously assign to the people we love and probably want to keep around!

If nothing else, I hope this encourages more open conversation around friendship, especially female friendship. It deserves the same thought, care, and nuance we so readily give to romantic relationships. I think this post is probably the beginning of many, as I delve deeper into this topic, so there is likely more to come! Stay tuned!