Worldbuilding Mad Libs: Create a Fantasy Kingdom on the Spot

May 6, 2025May 5, 2025 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

🏰 Create a Kingdom on the Spot

Welcome to the silliest way to build a fantasy kingdom: where you fill in the blanks and accidentally come up with a setting you might actually want to use.

Grab a pen, your imagination, and maybe a snack if you want to stay for awhile. You’re about to crown a ruler, start a minor rebellion, and possibly invent a highly controversial cheese.

✍️ Step 1: Fill in These Blanks

Before you scroll down, jot down the following:

A color
An adjective that sounds kind of insulting
A made-up material (e.g., moonstone, ghostwood, breadite)
A verb ending in “ing”
Something you’d find in a kitchen
A natural disaster
A food that’s controversial
A weird hobby
A job title that sounds fake
A very serious animal
Something you’d shout in a moment of triumph
A number
A random bodily function

👑 Step 2: Insert into This Kingdom Description

Welcome to the Kingdom of [1]ia, a proud land known for its [2] traditions and abundant [3] deposits. The locals can often be found [4] while balancing [5] on their heads — a sacred rite passed down for generations.

The kingdom was founded shortly after the Great [6] of Year [12], when the ancient warlords of the land finally agreed on one thing: their shared love of [7]. This delicacy is now considered a national treasure, although it’s banned in all neighboring realms due to “moral reasons.”

At the heart of the capital city stands the Royal Spire, home to the ruling monarch — High [9] [10] the Third, who ascended the throne after defeating a rival in a fierce competition of [8].

Each year, citizens gather for the Grand Festival of [13], where the streets overflow with song, dance, and slightly confused livestock. The celebration ends with the ceremonial shout of “[11]!” echoing through the valley.

Come for the [3], stay for the [7], and beware the roaming bands of [10]s that guard the border with alarming enthusiasm.

🧠 Step 3: Reflect on the Chaos that has taken place on your page (In other words, Brainstorm)

Now that you’ve got your kingdom… ask yourself:

Could this be expanded into a full country or region?
What kind of people would live here?
Why is [7] banned in neighboring kingdoms?
Who would want to overthrow High [9] [10] the Third?
What actually happens at the Festival of [13]?

Silly beginnings can turn into rich, layered stories. Humor lowers the stakes and sparks your creativity — so let yourself go off the rails and see what sticks!

🗺️ Bonus Challenge:

Draw a quick, scribbly map of [1]ia. Label:

A mountain made of [3]
A cursed forest full of [10]s
A border town famous for [5]-juggling

And there you have it, friends! Feel free to share your creations in the comments and let me know if you’d like more writer mad libs! Take care!

GIF-Y Love Tag

January 11, 2022 ~ Brooke F. ~ 7 Comments

Joy of joys! I have been tagged by the lovely Stara to do the GIF-Y Love Tag! And this is where I ask everyone to discuss the correct pronunciation of the word down below because me and my family are divided. “JIF” sounds so much better in my head but one could argue that “GIF” should be pronounced similar to “Graphic” as it is a moving Graphic? It makes sense, it just sounds weird in my head.

ANYWAYS. Onto the tag!

RULES

★Mention the creators Tiction and Nehal.

★Thank the person who tagged you and leave a link to their blog.

★Use the tag #gif-y-love and choose a GIF you love for each of the provided prompts.

★Tag at least 5 people

Aaaaand we’re off!

I’m bored

Current mood

It’s snowing outside. RIP.

Reading

My spirit Disney Princess is Belle. I also want a slidey ladder.

Sarcastic

Sassy Will Wonka is king.

Spongebob

Spreading Love.

Angry

This interpretation of Hades in Disney’s “Hercules” is still my favorite.

Scared

Instant regret in a gif.

Laughing

Gotta love the Ryan Gosling Giggle.

Now! Time to Tag!

I tag Suhani, Devangi, Nikszine, EEshani, & Katie!

Thanks for dropping by, Lovelies!

My Mother Taught Me…

April 18, 2020May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of

next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the

store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t

have wonderful parents like you do.” (What wonderful parents?!)

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that

way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.

“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

(This is and old file I found on my old laptop from a couple years back, I didn’t write it but I still find it funny. Maybe it’ll elicit a laugh from you amidst all the crazy things happening right now! Stay safe! And (for the forty billionth time) WASH YO HANDS)

My Personal List of Reasons as to Why I procrastinate & the faulty logic behind them…

February 23, 2020May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Welcome to my procrastination diary. Please enjoy your stay…

1. You’re on your phone.

Major, #1 distraction.

I wish I had an actual reason as to why my phone distracts me. Even when there is really nothing to do on my phone and I’m just switching between the same two apps constantly and refreshing. Frankly, I think it’s because nearly ANYTHING is more interesting then what I’m trying to get done.

2. You have too much to work to do so you do none of it.

Genius, right?

3. You’d rather be doing something else.

In other words, you’d rather be procrastinating. Which in of itself isn’t a fun activity but it beats actually doing the thing, right? Nothing like dying a thousand deaths before actually getting the THING done.

4. Your music distracts you.

Instead of helping you concentrate on your homework, you find yourself having your own personal dance off in your bedroom to whatever soundtrack I’ve downloaded recently.

5. It’s past your bedtime (You’d rather sleep).

It’s 8:00? Sorry mom, can’t study. Past my bedtime. When I need to get something done, I suddenly am on a toddler’s sleep schedule.

6. Your favorite show comes on

Cause I have my priorities straight.

7. You are too busy writing a list of reasons of why you procrastinate.

A Very, very, very Bad Day

February 14, 2020May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Okay, gents and ladies. It’s about time I write about an adventure…

So come and listen to my tale, sad but fantastic, of one of the worst days I’ve had in a long, long time.

I’m am of course taking about the NyQuil and boiled egg train wreck. And I don’t mean train wreck in the sense that is was a mess of a day (though it was) but in the sense it involved a literal train wreck.

Are you intrigued yet? Well I sure hope so because I’ve pulled nearly every trick to gain your interest.

But truth is, it really was just a bad day. One of those days where it felt as if nothing could go right and everything that could go wrong, did.

So let us turn back the clock… back to where it all began….

This tragic chain of events was put into motion on a Sunday night.

I had a cold.

Nothing too bad except for the fact that every time I tried to lie down my nose decided to run like Usain Bolt. So it was kind of hard to sleep. So (like a Norma person) I took some pills that just so happened to be cold medicine. But what I didn’t realize is this wasn’t just any cold medicine; this was NyQuil night time, coma inducing, death emulating cold medicine whereas I didn’t even think I was taking a night time cold medicine (it was in a regular day time box). So I, without being in full possession of this knowledge, took not one but TWO of these pills. When I realized my mistake, I was… stressed?

You see, NyQuil is some pretty strong stuff and it seemed to effect me pretty bad in the past. So much so that if I ever needed to take it, I would only take on capsule and even then I was a zombie the next day.

But I had work this Monday, so the next morning I needed to be up and going at a pretty decent hour.

So I googled how long it took NyQuil to leave one’s system. I wasn’t super happy with the results where I found that it could take anywhere from 8 hours to THREE DAYS.

yikes.

But there was nothing to be done at this point, so I just went to bed and slept in my tired defeat.

And so began my soon to be bad day, when I woke the next morning feeling about as conscious and awake as A sloth during hibernation (I don’t think they actually hibernate but that’s not the point).

But simply getting out of bed wasn’t the end of my problems. Turns out my siblings don’t know how to replace the toilet paper roll so I had that fun moment.

Then I had the boiled egg issue. Usually The night before work I would pre-boil an egg for myself so I wouldn’t have to worry about breakfast on a Monday morning. But I had forgotten to mark the egg so my mother thought it was just a plain ol regular one and put it in a container with all our raw ones.

So I began cracking our eggs into a bowl in a desperate search for my chosen boiled one. I never found it. So instead I had six scrambled eggs for breakfast. Yummy.

And then it came time for work. Or so I thought. The road the way I normally went was blocked off so I had to go the slighter longer way. No big deal… until I realized they had construction going on down that road. And to top things off, when I slammed on my breaks a little to quickly to stop for said construction, my coffee decided to have a will of its own and commit coffee suicide, pitching itself forward so it could spill all over my radio, blue tooth speaker, and music player. But hey, at least my entire car smells like a caramel frappecino. I’m sure THATS going to age well with hours of sunlight!

But I didn’t have time to clean up that mess just yet. I was still driving at the time. So I drove on, trying to wipe my jeans dry as best as I knew how. When I leaned over I noticed that only half of my coffee had been spilt so there was still a little silver lining there.

Noooopee.

I cross over a railroad track to my work and unfortunately this train just decided to take a quick nap right in the middle of the place I needed to cross over to get to work. And (also unfortunately) I wasn’t expecting this stop so I slammed on my breaks and said goodbye to that last half of my coffee. You will be missed.

Thankfully they got the train up and running fairly quickly though so I was only about twenty minutes late for work. But it wasn’t too bad for there on out. I had to kind of deep clean my car though.

But hey! I lived!

Rules for Time Travel and Exploring the Universe

October 27, 2019May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

A comprehensive and a specific list.

Don’t ask questions you’re not prepared to have answered.
There is always bigger.
There is always weirder.
There Do not disturb the sleeping. But if you do perchance, I hope you have a good pair of running shoes handy.
Speaking of which, have a pair of running shoes at all times.
Expect the unexpected so in that case, it is expected, therefore making everything expected.
Do what you want, but have the firepower to back everything you do.
Or just be incredible good a bluffing.
Do not pet the black holes.
Be on good terms with your own species.
Look but don’t touch unless its completely necessary. And when you do touch, remember that there is a 75% chance that it’ll bite back or absorb you.
It’s just like that sometimes. Die and move on.
Beware the space rocks.
Violence isn’t always the answer but it is sometimes.
Your overall objective is to survive.
The void is watching and judging you harshly.
There are always exceptions
You are immortal until proven otherwise.

Life and Lemons

October 19, 2019May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

“When Life Gives you Lemons…”

So I haven’t had a ton of time on my hands lately to make a new blog post (fall break has been fun but busy!). So here are some funny finishes to this age old phrase. The original goes:

“When Life Gives you lemons, make Lemonade!”

But everyone deals with circumstances in their own way.

1. When life gives you lemons, throw them back. Didn’t you mommy ever tell you not to accept food from strangers?

2. Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is going to stink.

3. When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

4. When life gives you lemons, plant a lemon tree and put on a t-shirt that says “life” on it and pick the lemons grown on the tree and hand them out on the corner of the road.

5. When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and sit back and let the world try and figure out how you did it.

6. When life gives you lemons, throw them at people!

7. When life gives you lemons, keep them because, hey, free lemons!

8. When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand choclate.

9. When life gives you lemons, find an annoying kid with a paper cut.

The 6 Stages of a Study Session

October 14, 2019May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Steps of Studying

1. The Motivation

Whenever I need to study for something, at first, I’m pumped. I tell myself this’ll be a breeze and I’ll ace the test and I’ll be so scholarly and wear cool glasses even though I have perfect vision… but when the breeze turns into a hurricane, this motivation quickly leaves, leading me to step 2…

2. The Procrastination

I am a procrastinator. If getting distracted was a sport, I’d be on a Wheaties box. I suppose you could say I’m a pro (crastinator). In this stage Youtube is my biggest enemy and friend at the same time.

3. The Guilt

All through step 2 you are probably pushing back this nagging guilt. In step three this feeling resurfaces, leaving you on the edge of panic. If you are good student, then you’ll probably get your rear and gear and actually study but if you’re anything like me, you will proceed to step 4…

4. The Rationalization

This step is how you get reality to go away when it knocks on your door…

You will rationalize with yourself that you have plenty of time to get your book work done! One of the signs your a rationalizer is you use phrases similar to these:

Just one more episode of Andy Griffith and you’ll study…

Just another game of free cell…

It’s not procrastination if your drinking coffee… it’s procaffinating.

Well, another sentence read! I should reward myself with another study break and another box of pop tarts!

I wonder if iisuperwomanii came out with a new video….

They say if you say something enough, it’ll come true but what about if you ignore it? It’ll go away right? That’s how real life works, right?

Then comes along inevitable step 5…

5. The Realization/Panic

When reality goes from knocking on your door to repeatedly ringing your doorbell, to breaking the door down like some sort of Ninja Chuck Norris. But reality always seem to do this at the last second when you are an hour away from taking that test and you realize you are not toast, but charcoal that is covered in gasoline and gun powder that is on fire as it’s being thrown into an active valcano that is about to errupt! This is when you hit full on panic mode… and when you’re greatest ideas and inspiration comes, leading you to step 6…

6. The Scramble

No, I’m not talking about eggs. This step is also known as the cram. This step is usually about one morning as far time. This is where you cram so many factoids down your brain’s throat (I don’t even know how that works), that it practically shrieks in protest. In this step you burn like 12397 brain cells which is really sad considering you could of killed those cells doing something a lot more enjoyable, like watching Gilgan’s Island or smelling gasoline.

Then you usually end up taking the test, get a passable grade, and then come home, realizing, that the only thing you learned is… oh wait! You didn’t learn anything because all these steps are repeated the next time you have to study for a test! Live and don’t learn, that’s humanity for you!

Sarcastic Snow White

October 12, 2019May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Sarcastic Snow White

A beautiful young queen sits sewing at an open window during a winter snowfall (Why is she letting all the hot air in the castle out and the snow in? My Mom would yell it me to shut the stinking window! Does she have any idea how much heat costs?! Were you raised in a barn? (Well, this is a fairytale so this may be a possibility…)) when she pricks her finger with her needle (Smooth one, Queenie), causing three drops of red blood to drip onto the freshly fallen white snow on the black windowsill. Admiring the beauty of the resulting color combination, she says to herself, “How I wish that I had a daughter that had skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony” (Okay, this is kind of weird. So she can have a daughter to her and say, “I jabbed myself in the finger with a needle and thought of you!”). Soon after that, the Queen gives birth to a baby daughter, a beautiful and sweet girl with skin as white as snow (Unless she gets sunburn of course), lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony. She is named ‘Snow White’. Sadly, the Good Queen, Snow White’s mother, dies during child birth.

After a year has passed, Snow White’s father, the King, takes a new and second wife, who is very beautiful but a wicked and vain woman (Aren’t all stepmothers?). The new queen, Snow White’s evil stepmother, possesses a magic mirror (Just a random magic mirror that came from nowhere), which she asks every morning, “Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all? (Not that she’s self absorbed or anything)” The mirror always replies, “My Queen, you are the fairest one of all. (Okay, so the mirror’s a suck up?)” The Queen is always pleased with that because the magic mirror never lies (Or he’s just a suck up like I said). But as Snow White grows up, she becomes more beautiful each day and even more beautiful than the Queen, and when the Queen asks her mirror, it tells her that Snow White is the fairest. (Snitch)

This gives the queen a great shock. She becomes yellow and green with envy (That’s why she’s not the fairest of ’em all anymore) and from that hour on, her heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her more and more each day. Envy and pride, like ill weeds, grow in her heart taller every day, until she has no peace day or night (Because she has a weedy heart. Ever hear of weed killer?). Eventually, the Queen orders a huntsman to take Snow White into the deepest woods to be killed (Nice mum, ain’t she?). As proof that Snow White is dead, the Queen demands that he return with her lungs and liver (So she can do what with it? Eat them for supper? By now, I wouldn’t be surprised. This stepmom lady has me freaked out). The huntsman takes Snow White into the forest. After raising his knife, he finds himself unable to kill her as she sobs heavily and begs him; “Oh, dear huntsman, don’t kill me! Leave me with my life; I will run into the forest and never come back!” The huntsman leaves her behind alive, convinced that the girl would be eaten by some wild animal (Like that’s any better). He instead brings the Queen the lungs and liver of a young boar, which is prepared by the cook and eaten by the Queen (I’m serious, I have never read this version of the story before and I just foretold cannibalism).

After wandering through the forest for days, Snow White discovers a tiny cottage belonging to a group of Seven Dwarfs. Since no one is at home, she eats some of the tiny meals, drinks some of their wine and then tests all the beds (Sounds like Goldilocks to me). Finally the last bed is comfortable enough for her and she falls asleep (“This bed is just right.”). When the seven dwarfs return home, they immediately become aware that someone sneaked in secretly, because everything in their home is in disorder. During their loud discussion about who sneaked in, they discover the sleeping Snow White (Who never woke up even though they were having a loud discussion?). The girl wakes up (Finally) and explains to them what happened and the dwarfs take pity on her, saying; “If you will keep house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us, and you shall have everything that you want.” They warn her to be careful when alone at home and to let no one in when they are away delving in the mountains.

Meanwhile, the Queen asks her mirror once again; “Magic mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?” The mirror replies; “My queen, you are the fairest here so true. But Snow White beyond the mountains at the seven dwarfs is a thousand times more beautiful than you (Tattle tale mirror)”. The Queen is horrified to learn that the huntsman has betrayed her and that Snow White is still alive. She keeps thinking about how to get rid of Snow White, then she disguises herself as an old peddler. The Queen then walks to the cottage of the dwarfs and offers her colorful, silky laced bodices and convinces the girl to take the most beautiful bodice as a present (Wait, so Snow White doesn’t recognize her? I mean, I know she’s disguised but this IS her mother). Then the Queen laces it so tightly that Snow White faints (This part makes me breath heavily I can picture it a little too vividly.), causing the Queen to leave her for dead. But the dwarfs return just in time, and Snow White revives when the dwarfs loosen the laces.

The next morning the Queen consults her mirror anew and the mirror reveals Snow White’s survival (Snitching mirror! Why don’t you give it a rest?). Now infuriated, the Queen dresses as a comb seller and convinces Snow White to take a beautiful comb as a present (Come on Snow White, you can’t be that dumb). She brushes Snow White’s hair with a poisoned comb, and the girl faints again (Or not. Talk about learning hard), but she is again revived by the dwarfs. And the next morning the mirror tells the Queen that Snow White is still “a thousand times more beautiful” (Okay, sounds kind of like the mirror is rubbing it in here.). Now the Queen nearly has a heart attack in shock and rage (But unfortunately she doesn’t as then there would be no villain in the story). As a third and last attempt to rid herself of Snow White, she secretly consults the darkest magic and makes a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer’s wife, she offers it to Snow White (Snow White, really. You’ve learned you lesson by now, right?). The girl is at first hesitant to accept it, so the Queen cuts the apple in half, eating the white (harmless) half and giving the red (poisoned) half to Snow White (It would make a interesting story if she accidentally switched up the halves. And by the way, where the heck do you find an apple with a different color on each side? Not suspicious at all.). The girl eagerly (and stupidly) takes a bite and falls into a state of suspended animation, causing the Queen to triumph. This time the dwarfs are unable to revive the girl because they cannot find the source of Snow White’s poor health (I would be ready to give up by now. She’s not worth it if she’s that stupid), and assuming that she is dead, they place her in a glass coffin.

Time passes and a prince traveling through the land sees Snow White (Rotting away in her coffin?). He strides to her coffin and, enchanted by her beauty, instantly falls in love with her (Falls in love with a dead body?! What the-?!). The dwarfs succumb to his entreaties to let him have the coffin (“Look what I got, mom! A coffin with a dead lady in it!”), and as his servants carry the coffin away, they stumble on some roots (Clumsy move). The tremor caused by the stumbling causes the piece of poisoned apple to dislodge from Snow White’s throat, awakening her (So the coffin doesn’t shatter at all? Tough glass. And so the Prince doesn’t kiss her to make her awake? Well, I suppose that’s better. Kissing dead bodies is on an even creepier level). The Prince then declares his love for her (People in these stories are so shallow), and soon a wedding is planned. The couple invite every queen and king to come to the wedding party, including Snow White’s step-mother. Meanwhile, the Queen, still believing that Snow White is dead, again asks her magical mirror who is the fairest in the land. The mirror says; “You, my queen, are fair so true. But the young Queen is a thousand times fairer than you (Man, what a squealer!)”.

Appalled, in disbelief, and with her heart full of fear and doubts, the Queen is at first hesitant to accept the invitation, but she eventually decides to go (Because they’re gonna have cake!). Not knowing that this new queen was indeed her stepdaughter, she arrives at the wedding, and her heart fills with the deepest of anger when she realizes the truth. As a punishment for her attempted murders, a pair of glowing-hot iron shoes are brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She is forced to step into the burning shoes and to dance until she drops dead (Ow, ow, ow, ow! I definitely did NOT see that in the Disney movie!).

(With the dead body of the Queen laying on the ground, the couple are married. And, um, they live happily ever after? )

Sarcastic Beauty and the Beast

October 5, 2019May 11, 2020 ~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

(Somehow I felt the need to make another Sarcastic Fairytale telling. Apologies in advance!)

Come and listen to a tale as old as time…

A wealthy widowed merchant lives in a mansion with his three daughters. All are equal in beauty, but the youngest, Beauty (Talk about a self absorbed name! And what if she HADN’T been pretty? What would you call her? “Ugly”?), is kind and pure of heart; while the two elders, in contrast, are wicked, selfish, vain and secretly taunt and treat Beauty more like a servant than a sister (Sounds more like Cinderella to me). The merchant eventually loses all of his wealth in a tempest at sea (Wait, so he loaded ALL his wealth, including his house and money onto a ship and it sinks? What? Or was it kind of a wizard of oz situation where the house gets sucked into the storm. But then it wouldn’t be a tempest. Or at sea.).

He and his daughters are consequently forced to live in a small farmhouse and work for their living (So they were like… normal people now?). After some years of this, the merchant hears that one of the trade ships he had sent off has arrived back in port, having escaped the destruction of its compatriots (And it took this ship HOW long to get it’s backside back to the port? Perhaps he took the scenic route? But how does that work? All ocean looks like ocean from what I can tell). He returns to the city to discover whether it contains anything valuable. Before leaving, he asks his daughters if they wish for him to bring any gifts back for them. The oldest two ask for clothing, jewels and the finest dresses possible, thinking his wealth has returned (Not yet, ladies. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!). Beauty is satisfied with the promise of a rose, as none grow in their part of the country (“Daddy, get my a flower grown in south Arabia!” That’s strangely specific but hey! Who am I to judge. No one made me the mother goose of fairytales). The merchant, to his dismay, finds that his ship’s cargo has been seized to pay his debts, leaving him without money to buy his daughters their presents (Bummer).

During his return, the merchant becomes lost in a forest (Then how’d he find his way through GETTING there? Perhaps consider a GPS). Seeking shelter, he enters a dazzling palace (That just so happens to be in the middle of some random forest that no one has ever discovered or noticed. Nicely convenient as always). A hidden figure opens the giant doors and silently invites him in (How does that even work? Not to mention that’s like super shady.). The merchant finds tables inside laden with food and drink, which seem to have been left for him by the palace’s invisible owner. The merchant accepts this gift and spends the night there (Yeah, let’s spend the night in an abandoned castle with some creepy person in it!). The next morning as the merchant is about to leave, he sees a rose garden and recalls that Beauty had desired a rose. Upon picking the loveliest rose he can find, the merchant is confronted by a hideous “Beast” (Just “Beast”? No description? For all we know his “Beast” could be a furry monster about two feet high.) which tells him that for taking his most precious possession (A rose? I didn’t know the beast was a gardener…? Either that, or he has some rotten possessions. I mean, I like roses, but they eventually die and they’re, you know, flowers? Why does everyone treasure flowers so much in this story? It’s kind of weird?) after accepting his hospitality, the merchant must die (Whoa. Heavy price just for plucking a flower, don’t you think? Also, that’s kind of an awkward exchange. *Plucks flower* *beast materializes out of nowhere* “You must die”). The merchant begs to be set free, arguing that he had only picked the rose as a gift for his youngest daughter (So SHE should be the blame). The Beast agrees to let him give the rose to Beauty, but only if the merchant will return.

The merchant is upset, but accepts this condition. The Beast sends him on his way, with jewels and fine clothes for his daughters, and stresses that Beauty must never know about his deal. The merchant, upon arriving home, tries to hide the secret from Beauty, but she pries it from him (Blabber mouth) and willingly goes to the Beast’s castle. The Beast receives her graciously and informs her that she is now mistress of the castle (“I’m Queen of the Castle! I’m Queen of the Castle! Bawahahahah!” Sorry. Show quote.) and he is her servant (She could order her servant to set her free maybe? This is kind of a weird deal). He gives her lavish clothing and food and carries on lengthy conversations with her. Every night, the Beast asks Beauty to marry him, only to be refused each time (“Our children would be the ugliest things!”). After each refusal, Beauty dreams of a handsome prince who pleads with her to answer why she keeps refusing him, to which she replies that she cannot marry the Beast because she loves him only as a friend (Aw… stuck in the friend zone. Tough luck buddy). Beauty does not make the connection between the handsome prince and the Beast and becomes convinced that the Beast is holding the prince captive somewhere in the castle (Wow, some “friend” Beauty is). She searches and discovers multiple enchanted rooms, but never the prince from her dreams.

For several months, Beauty lives a life of luxury at the Beast’s palace, having every whim catered to by servants, with no end of riches to amuse her and an endless supply of exquisite finery to wear. Eventually she becomes homesick and begs the Beast to allow her to go see her family. He allows it on the condition that she returns exactly a week later (A servant giving orders? Unheard of!). Beauty agrees to this and sets off for home with an enchanted mirror and ring. The mirror allows her to see what is going on back at the Beast’s castle (Just because she’s nosy like that), and the ring allows her to return to the castle in an instant when turned three times around her finger (Or she could just tap her magical sparkly red shoes together three times and say, “There’s no place like home!”). Her older sisters are surprised to find her well fed and dressed in finery. They are envious when they hear of her happy life at the castle, and, hearing that she must return to the Beast on a certain day, beg her to stay another day, even putting onion in their eyes to make it appear as though they are weeping (I would be weeping for real if I stuck a veggie into my eyeball!). They hope that the Beast will be angry with Beauty for breaking her promise and eat her alive (Doesn’t Beauty have a lovely family?). Beauty’s heart is moved by her sisters’ false show of love, and she agrees to stay (Of course she does).

Beauty begins to feel guilty about breaking her promise to the Beast and uses the mirror to see him back at the castle. She is horrified to discover that the Beast is lying half-dead from heartbreak (like a heart attack or…? I am not aquainted with this medical condition) near the rose bushes her father had stolen from and she immediately uses the ring to return to the Beast.

Beauty weeps over the Beast, saying that she loves him (Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened to that whole “Just friends” bit?). When her tears strike him (“Ow! You just hit me with your tears!”), the Beast is transformed into the handsome prince from Beauty’s dreams. The Prince informs her that long ago a fairy turned him into a hideous beast after he refused to let her in from the rain, and that only by finding true love, despite his ugliness, could the curse be broken. He and Beauty are married (So much for being “just friends”. Whatever.) and they live happily ever after together. (yay them.)

The End