Tag: disney

The Sunshine Blogger Award

~ Brooke F. ~ 9 Comments

Aaaaah yes. Spring time! The time of new life, rejuvenation, aaaaaand FINALS. If you listen closely you can hear the college students screaming in the far distance. Lend them an ear and prayer if you don’t mind. We all need it at this point in the semester.

But, I am choosing to take a break from studying to announce the exciting news that I have been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award thanks to the lovely and brilliant Natalie over on The Texas Lass. She’s probably one of my longest running blog buddies so please check out her corner of the internet and maybe, I don’t know… HER NEWLY RELEASED BOOK Reciprocity!! Get it before it FLIES off the shelves and becomes an exclusive collectors item that is a remnant of writerly genius! Or something like that…ahem.

Getting back to the award! We must instill some rules here because the Wild West this blog is not.

The Rules:

  • Display the award’s official logo somewhere on your blog. 
  • Thank the person who nominated you. 
  • Provide a link to your nominator’s blog. 
  • Answer your nominator’s questions. 
  • Nominate up to 11 bloggers. 
  • Ask your nominees 11 questions. 
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on at least one of their blog posts.

Boom. First rule done. Gorgeous Award Banner displayed in all its glory.

As for rule #5, I’ve been sort of been MIA so many of my blogging friends are on hiatus so I shall see how many nominees I can manage. I promise I shall give it all and do my very best to find fitting award bearers. Now onto the fun part- the questions!

1. You’re stuck on a desert island with the main character of the last movie you watched. Are you two escaping, or inevitably getting eaten by crabs?

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring was indeed the last full film I watched. And here is where we have to ask the complicated question of who the main character is. The story is pretty well divided between Aragorn and Frodo. One companion will almost certainly led to the death of us both via crabs and the other a much more suitable survival companion. Though it is probably safe to say that neither character would be too excited to be stuck with the likes of me in a ANY survival scenario. My body is built for fragility, pining, and writing snarky things about the world around me.

2. What was your main reason for starting a blog?

I’m not entirely sure. A mixture of things I think. The want to experiment with web design and produce something cool and pretty. Also wanting to foster a writing community. And, as Breanna Mentioned over on A Christian Kid’s Journal, just a dash of pride. All together and nice little cocktail of motivation.

3. What book absolutely deserves to be made into a movie?

The Magic Thief by Sarah Prineas. Given that they wouldn’t be butchered.

These books really do have it all. Dragons. Magic Rocks. Wizards. Witches. More Magic Rocks. (They’re shiny too!!).

Another solid contender is The Dark Hills Divide by Patrick Carmen. A staple of my childhood as it involved talking animals and… *GASP* magic rocks!!!

Please don’t laugh. These books were 99% of my personality in middle school. Needless to say, I wasn’t the *most* popular at the time.

4. What movie will you always rewatch?

I am a rewatch queen. I’m a girl of comfort foods and comfort movies. I go through phases where I just want to rewatch one thing and that’s what I’m thinking of and watching every night for about a week. Popular picks of mine include Lord of the Rings (The Hobbit movies included. You have to start from the beginning, you heathen), Star Wars (Prequels included but Disney Sequels secluded. They don’t exist in my mind. There are no Disney Sequels on this blog), The Chronicles of Narnia, The How to train your Dragon movies, The Kung-fu Panda movies (The fourth excluded here), aaaand I could keep going. But those are the first ones that popped into my head so they must be important to me. nd yes, before you ask, I do the same thing with shows too (What’s better than binge watching Hogan’s Heroes and Rawhide when you’re sick?).

5. Do you wear socks with sandals? If so, what is wrong with you?

No…but maybe yes.

Not OUT of course. Socks and Scandals is a fashion crime punishable by 50 years in fashion Azkaban. But for 30 seconds when I need to go out and grab groceries and I have some snuggly lil socks on…. I’m not going to go to all the trouble to peel them off just for my pride, okay?

6. You can go back in time for fifteen minutes. Where are you going and why?

This is entirely a cliché but I’d go back and see my past self and tell her things were going to be alright. Specifically me from about a year and a half ago. That’s when I first made the big move to move out of my parents house and my situation was…let’s just say less than ideal. People from all parts of my life said it was going to be “alright”, but I think there was a part of me that was like, “Okay. But what if its not. What if I’m that 1/100 chance where everything just goes wrong.”

I often live with the fear that I am the outlier but in a bad way. Things work out for most people. Tragedies don’t seem to happen to most people. But what if I am not most people?

I think if I saw myself in one piece and happy, I would finally believe it.

7. Do you like to write while listening to music/ambience, or in blessed silence?

Ambience is all my little stressed brain can handle. Lyrics beg me to sing along and then all focus is lost. Rain sounds are fantastic but some good old tavern ambience never hurt anyone. I have a whole study playlist of soundtracks too that also work marvelously for me when writing.

ALSO. Video game Soundtracks.

Perfectly tailored to promote focus and mimic ambience all the same time.

8. If you could wish for any one thing and have it come true, what would it be?

Probably to be able to write for my career. Not just any writing though- DRIVEL. I want to be able to write self-indulgent drivel and somehow get paid for it. Tech writing would contribute too much to the world I’m afraid. I want to get paid for my Avatar the Last Airbender and DnD self insert fanfiction. Any takers?

9. Have you gotten into any new fandoms lately? What are they?

I do wish but alas, I haven’t had much time as of late to get invested in any media that requires me to sit for long periods of time. Between work and school, I am reduced to a brain dead zombie that only wants to scroll through Pinterest at the end of the day before crashing and sleeping for a less then the recommended amount of sleep a human should get. I love being an undergraduate.

10. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

I am always tired no matter the time of day.

This is the unfortunate truth of my college life currently but I do think that will change. My prime functioning hours are 9-5pm but I do love having the evening time to myself. That is MY time and no one can take it away from me. Except for maybe my night time job schedule. *goes to weep in the corner with my coffee*

11. Do you prefer animated or live-action films and shows?

Animated. Hands down. I just love the crazy sort of range of emotions you can portray in the animated medium that doesn’t look at all right in live action but then look too bland if you dumb it down (see disney remakes here.).

Then there’s the charm factor. There’s something inherently endearing about animation that transcends age and culture. Whether it’s the whimsical antics of Looney Tunes or the heartfelt journeys of Studio Ghibli, animated characters have a way of worming their way into our hearts and staying there long after the credits roll. Plus, who can resist the allure of a good old-fashioned dance number performed by a troupe of singing penguins?

And last but not least, let’s talk about nostalgia. For many of us, animation is more than just a form of entertainment; it’s a portal to our childhoods, a time when the world was full of wonder and anything seemed possible. Whether it’s revisiting the classics (The Incredibles? Ratatouille??? Cars 2????? Need I go on???) or discovering new favorites, animation has a way of transporting us back to simpler times, if only for a little while. Heck, sometimes I don’t even have to see the animation to feel the nostalgia punch- all it takes is the enormous, vibrating hum of the THX Logo as it blows the speakers out of any poor, unsuspecting television (Then comes the age old scramble to find the remote. Ah. The good ol days, amiright?).

Gosh, are we done already? Time for the nominees! I think I shall nominate a few blogs I follow regardless of whether or not they are aware of my existence. So, I nominate

Little Blossoms for Jesus

Ailish Sinclair

Miraculous Homeschool

UsandLove

Sircharlesthepoet

Andrea the Illustrator

My questions are as follows:

  1. If you could have any superpower for a day, what would it be and why?
  2. What’s the weirdest food combination you secretly love?
  3. If you could live in any fictional world for a week, where would you choose?
  4. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you in public?
  5. If you were a flavor of ice cream, what would you be and why?
  6. What’s your go-to karaoke song, and why does it speak to your soul?
  7. If you could swap lives with any celebrity for a day, who would it be and what would you do?
  8. What’s your most irrational fear, and how do you cope with it?
  9. If you could time travel to any era, past or future, where would you go and what would you do?
  10. What’s the most unusual talent you possess that few people know about?
  11. If you could invent a new holiday, what would it be called and how would we celebrate it?

Have fun, fellow bloggers and writers!

Retro Disney: A Concept

~ Brooke F. ~ 7 Comments

I’m slowly getting more and more comfortable sharing my art and digital piece and editing on my blog here and while I wanna mainly keep my blog as a place for writing prompts and writing advice/student advice, I do still enjoy sharing some of my favorite pieces with you guys!

Part of me has been debating on whether or not I want a start a separate blog for my art (both traditional and digital) but I don’t know if anyone would be interested in that. Please feel free to share your thoughts on that as I’m just sort of considering the idea. I don’t know if I’ll actually act on it yet.

Okay! Enough blathering! On with the art.

So I was thinking of a concept recently. A vintage/retro style CGI disney movie about some 1950’s housewives getting into some zany situation or something. I don’t know what the plot would be exactly but I couldn’t help but ponder on how BEAUTIFUL and COOL a movie like that would look. And so I set about editing some characters and coming up with some character concepts.

Part of me thought it would be cool if they animated from of the classic actresses from that era. So you may recognize some of these faces if you enjoy some old black & white movies…

So what are your thoughts on this concept? I really want to know!

Also, sorry for the lack of writing themed posts as of late! I should have a few coming out here soon. 😉

Have an awesome day, lovelies!

Five Favorite Movies

~ Brooke F. ~ 8 Comments

Hey there! Aaaaand we’re still snowed in. But, on the bright side, that leaves me more time for blogging and writing and such. So here’s a little post about my favorite movies. It’s short and sweet because I limited myself to five movies (otherwise we’d probably be here for ages).

  1. Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

This one takes the #1 spot being my entire childhood. The only thing I love more than Lord of the Rings & Tolkien quotes is Narnia & C.S. Lewis quotes. In summary, these two authors made my childhood as did the director of this movie. Though I must clarify, the disney version. There is a British version floating around out there with a…. smaller budget resulting in a slightly… different cinematic experience.

To summarize, this Disney Movie is my most favorite move. I love everything about it. Everyone felt perfectly cast, the music in phenomenal, the animal characters are loveable, Aslan is grand, and the redemptive story of Edmund holds so much weight.

A solid 10/10 movie. I still want to be Lucy when I grow up.

2. The Lord of the Rings Movies

And here is where I sing the Praises of Peter Jackson. He did what seemed impossible- condensed down the enormous works of Tolkien into three wonderful movies that tell a cohesive and developed story that I find myself continually coming back to.

I sort of cheated here as these are technically three movies but I couldn’t pick a favorite among them as they tell one continuous story and each one is masterfully done and has its own strengths in their own rights.

These movies probably have my favorite soundtrack ever, my favorite fight sequences, and some of my favorite characters. My only complaints are Frodo’s character felt a bit off compared to the book and the Frodo and Sam parts sometimes felt like they slogged on too long (or perhaps that was the intention as we were supposed to feel the weight of their looooong journey with them?).

Overall a 9.8457/10.

3. Aladdin

The best disney princess movie that is not actually about the disney princess. Not really. Robin Williams is perfectly cast, the song “A Whole New World” is iconic and probably will be for a very, very long time and rightly so.

9.7/10

4. Star Wars: The Original Trilogy

Yeah, I’m going to cheat again. This is technically three movies but again, just like with Star Wars, its hard to pick a favorite out of these movies (though if you forced me, I’d probably have to say “The Empire Strikes” back but I could easily change my mind at any time. The ranking is that close).

Another iconic and phenomenal soundtrack. Lovably corny CGI effects and all, I love this movie. The writing is amazing and the story so full of hope. I know its simple in structure. A typical good vs. evil struggle but when you pair that with the sci-fi elements that, until that point, had never really been implemented on a big screen (with some exceptions with Star Trek but that was a show and was so stylistically and tonally different, I don’t really see them as that similar).

I grew up watching these which unfortunately led me to having a really high bar as to the level of writing I accept in my Star Wars films so I’m not a huge Disnified Star Wars fan. But, regardless, these movies continue to have a place in my heart.

9.68/10

5. Toy Story

One of Pixar’s crowning glory movies. Sure, this movies animation hasn’t aged that well. Their character models for humans were lacking (Andy may or may not look like a crackhead) but it makes sense for the time period it was in and definitely set a precedent for future CGI Animated movies. Woody & Buzz are THE iconic duo.

9.5/10

And that concludes my list although I could rant about my childhood movies for much longer. Thanks for reading and see you readers later!

Writing Prompt: Fairytale Apocalypse

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

We all know about the fairytale world of Grimm, where the princesses were saved and everyone lived happily ever after. But, let’s say, there is an alternate timeline that run parallel to this utopian one. One where the Princesses were not rescued. One where the castles crumbled and the world is ripping itself apart at the seams. One where wolves roam in the woods (careful not to wear red), sea witches and pirates rule the ocean, witches curses and magic go unchecked, and dragons circle the sky. A fairytale world living in an apocalypse.

How to feel Magical

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

How to feel magical for all my fellow princesses and fairies out there…

Take baths with rose petals and moonlight

Use enchanted lotion

Aquire books

Gather flowers

Treasure keys and trinkets

Light candles

Paint

Write your favorite things in your journal and on your arms 

Collect cool looking glass bottles 

Learn languages of all kinds, especially Latin. 

Eat different things and try new foods on a regular. 

Go on walks often 

Admire nature

Stargaze 

Do your hair with sparkling things 

Stretch 

Give yourself time to think

Explore music

Draw in dark ink

Record the stars and how they move

Read stories and collect them like treasure only to share them with others. 

Makes wishes. Whether it be blowing the fluff off of a dandelion, throwing a penny into a well, or spotting a shooting star, don’t be afraid to make one. 

5 Things Wrong with Fairytales

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

5 Things Wrong with Fairytales

So, if you have lives in America around the 21st century or so (give or take a hundred years), chances are you’ve heard or seen your fair share of fairytales. Age old classics, these stories have been adapted and made into movies for children of all ages. But having been around forever, and thanks to disney, we usually totally miss the messed up morals and strange meanings that they could be teaching us.

1. Princesses usually tend to be underage when being stalked, creeped over, kidnapped… etc.

?I also find it funny, that 16 is the magic age for EVERYTHING to happen. Boom! You 16! Time for the romance, kidnappings, and curses to commence! Kiss your parents good bye, because they’re gonners too!

2. Prince Charming has no name.

Seriously. Just calling him Prince Charming isn’t going to work say when your in trouble. Kind of a mouthful to spew out if you’re shouting for help. Ever thought about shortening it to PC or Charles?

And here’s some more food for thought…

Every prince is referred to as “Prince Charming”, and everyone assumes they are different Princes, but what if they aren’t? Sounds like we have a Player here.

And another thing, what if he wasn’t Charming? Heck, most of the princes in fairytales a nothing short of creepsters. They should really go by their true names, “Prince Creepy” or “Prince Get-a-life”.

3. Step mothers are Evil not matter what.

It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done, if you are a stepmother than YOU ARE SATAN.

4. The Morals.

Seriously. You think true love is the only thing being taught through these tales? Cinderella sneaked out at night to go to a party. Snow White lived with 7 guys. The Little Mermaid made a promise she couldn’t keep. Prince Charming kissed a stranger. Jasmine fell in love with a homeless guy and a theif…

These wholesome stories are just great teachers to the next generation, don’t ya think?

5. True Love

“Cinderella’s eyes watered as she turned away from the prince to leave. She hadn’t known only twenty seconds ago that they’d become so close.”

A whole flipping 20 seconds is all it takes to develop this “true love”. How…realistic…?

Aaaaaaand that’s the end of my thinking capacity for now.

Byeee!

Sarcastic Cinderella

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Sarcastic Cinderella

Once upon a time, there was a wealthy widower who married a proud and haughty woman as his second wife (First mistake buddy). She had two daughters, who were equally vain and selfish (Wow, that mistake didn’t take long to bear trouble). By his first wife, he’d had a beautiful young daughter, a girl of unparalleled goodness and sweet temper (He should of stuck with the first wife).

The stepmother and her daughters forced the first daughter into servitude, where she was made  to work day and night doing menial chores (And the father did nothing about this?!). After the girl’s chores were done for the day, she would retire to the barren and cold room given to her, and would curl up near the fireplace in an effort to stay warm (But not catch on fire). She would often arise covered in cinders, giving rise to the mocking nickname “Cinderella” by her stepsisters. Cinderella bore the abuse patiently and dared not tell her father, since his 2nd wife controlled him entirely (Rotten father that is. Talk about pathetic).

One day, the Prince invited all the young ladies in the land to a ball, planning to choose a wife from amongst them (“Come to this ball so you may be married to a scabby faced prince!”). The two stepsisters gleefully planned their wardrobes for the ball, and taunted Cinderella by telling her that maids were not invited to the ball (Technically she’s not a maid).

As the sisters departed to the ball, Cinderella cried in despair (“Boohoo, I cannot marry a scabby faced prince!”). Her Fairy Godmother magically appeared (Alright, where was this lady however many years ago when her father married the jerk stepmom?) and immediately began to transform Cinderella from house servant to the young lady she was by birth, all in the effort to get Cinderella to the ball (Seems like a lot of trouble just to go to a party).

She turned a pumpkin into a golden carriage, mice into horses, a rat into a coachman, and lizards into footmen. She then turned Cinderella’s rags into a beautiful jeweled gown, complete with a delicate pair of glass slippers (Wouldn’t they break when she runs? Ouch! Talk about walking on broken glass!). The Godmother told her to enjoy the ball, but warned that she had to return before midnight, when the spells would be broken (Also that’s your bedtime).

At the ball, the entire court was entranced by Cinderella, especially the Prince (Because he is also shallow as well as scabby). At this first ball, Cinderella remembers to leave before midnight. Back home, Cinderella graciously thanked her Godmother. She then greeted the stepsisters, who had not recognized her earlier and talked of nothing but the beautiful girl at the ball (They must be blind. Clothes does not change a person, ladies).

Another ball was held the next evening, and Cinderella again attended with her Godmother’s help. The Prince had become even more infatuated, and Cinderella in turn became so enchanted by him she lost track of time and left only at the final stroke of midnight, losing one of her glass slippers on the steps of the palace in her haste (They should of broke here). The Prince chased her (Okay, creeper), but outside the palace, the guards saw only a simple country girl leave. The Prince pocketed the slipper and vowed to find and marry the girl to whom it belonged  (Whether she wanted to or not?). Meanwhile, Cinderella kept the other slipper, which did not disappear when the spell was broken.

The Prince tried the slipper on all the women in the kingdom (Wouldn’t the shoe have some foot funk in it by the time it came to Cinderella?). When the Prince arrives at Cinderella’s villa, the stepsisters tried in vain to win over the prince as they wanted the prince. Cinderella asked if she might try, while the stepsisters taunted her. Naturally, the slipper fit perfectly, and Cinderella produced the other slipper for good measure. The stepsisters both pleaded for forgiveness, and Cinderella agreed to let bygones be bygones (Talk about overly good natured. It least make them grovel a bit…).

Cinderella married the Prince, and the stepsisters married two lords (Because the moral is, act like a jerk until your enemy gets the other hand, then beg for forgiveness and you get a good part of the deal in the end).

(In short, this is a story of how a teenager sneaked out to a party at night, and stayed up too late, and was cranky the next morning! The morals in this are golden)

Sarcastic Snow White

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Sarcastic Snow White

A  beautiful young queen sits sewing at an open window during a winter  snowfall (Why is she letting all the hot air in the castle out and the  snow in? My Mom would yell it me to shut the stinking window! Does she have any idea how much heat costs?! Were you raised in a barn? (Well, this is a fairytale so this may be a possibility…)) when she pricks her finger with her  needle (Smooth one, Queenie), causing three drops of red blood to drip  onto the freshly fallen white snow on the black windowsill. Admiring the  beauty of the resulting color combination, she says to herself, “How I  wish that I had a daughter that had skin as white as snow, lips as red  as blood, and hair as black as ebony” (Okay, this is kind of weird. So  she can have a daughter to her and say, “I jabbed myself in the finger  with a needle and thought of you!”). Soon after that, the Queen gives  birth to a baby daughter, a beautiful and sweet girl with skin as white  as snow (Unless she gets sunburn of course), lips as red as blood, and  hair as black as ebony. She is named ‘Snow White’.  Sadly, the Good Queen, Snow White’s mother, dies during child birth.

After  a year has passed, Snow White’s father, the King, takes a new and  second wife, who is very beautiful but a wicked and vain woman (Aren’t  all stepmothers?). The new queen, Snow White’s evil stepmother,  possesses a magic mirror (Just a random magic mirror that came from  nowhere), which she asks every morning, “Magic mirror on the wall, who  is the fairest one of all? (Not that she’s self absorbed or anything)”  The mirror always replies, “My Queen, you are the fairest one of all.  (Okay, so the mirror’s a suck up?)” The Queen is always pleased with  that because the magic mirror never lies (Or he’s just a suck up like I  said). But as Snow White grows up, she becomes more beautiful each day  and even more beautiful than the Queen, and when the Queen asks her  mirror, it tells her that Snow White is the fairest. (Snitch)

This gives  the queen a great shock. She becomes yellow and green with envy (That’s  why she’s not the fairest of ’em all anymore) and from that hour on, her  heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her more and more each  day. Envy and pride, like ill weeds, grow in her heart taller every day,  until she has no peace day or night (Because she has a weedy heart.  Ever hear of weed killer?). Eventually, the Queen orders a huntsman to  take Snow White into the deepest woods to be killed (Nice mum, ain’t  she?). As proof that Snow White is dead, the Queen demands that he  return with her lungs and liver (So she can do what with it? Eat them  for supper? By now, I wouldn’t be surprised. This stepmom lady has me  freaked out). The huntsman takes Snow White into the forest. After  raising his knife, he finds himself unable to kill her as she sobs  heavily and begs him; “Oh, dear huntsman, don’t kill me! Leave me with  my life; I will run into the forest and never come back!” The huntsman  leaves her behind alive, convinced that the girl would be eaten by some  wild animal (Like that’s any better). He instead brings the Queen the  lungs and liver of a young boar, which is prepared by the cook and eaten  by the Queen (I’m serious, I have never read this version of the story  before and I just foretold cannibalism).

After wandering through  the forest for days, Snow White discovers a tiny cottage belonging to a  group of Seven Dwarfs. Since no one is at home, she eats some of the  tiny meals, drinks some of their wine and then tests all the beds  (Sounds like Goldilocks to me). Finally the last bed is comfortable  enough for her and she falls asleep (“This bed is just right.”). When  the seven dwarfs return home, they immediately become aware that someone  sneaked in secretly, because everything in their home is in disorder.  During their loud discussion about who sneaked in, they discover the  sleeping Snow White (Who never woke up even though they were having a  loud discussion?). The girl wakes up (Finally) and explains to them what  happened and the dwarfs take pity on her, saying; “If you will keep  house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, and keep  everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us, and you shall  have everything that you want.” They warn her to be careful when alone  at home and to let no one in when they are away delving in the  mountains.

Meanwhile, the Queen asks her mirror once again; “Magic  mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?” The mirror replies;  “My queen, you are the fairest here so true. But Snow White beyond the  mountains at the seven dwarfs is a thousand times more beautiful than  you (Tattle tale mirror)”. The Queen is horrified to learn that the  huntsman has betrayed her and that Snow White is still alive. She keeps  thinking about how to get rid of Snow White, then she disguises herself  as an old peddler. The Queen then walks to the cottage of the dwarfs and  offers her colorful, silky laced bodices and convinces the girl to take  the most beautiful bodice as a present (Wait, so Snow White doesn’t  recognize her? I mean, I know she’s disguised but this IS her mother). Then the Queen laces it so tightly that Snow White  faints (This part makes me breath heavily I can picture it a little too vividly.), causing the Queen to leave  her for dead. But the dwarfs return just in time, and Snow White revives  when the dwarfs loosen the laces.

The next morning the Queen  consults her mirror anew and the mirror reveals Snow White’s survival  (Snitching mirror! Why don’t you give it a rest?). Now infuriated, the Queen  dresses as a comb seller and convinces Snow White to take a beautiful  comb as a present (Come on Snow White, you can’t be that dumb). She  brushes Snow White’s hair with a poisoned comb, and the girl faints  again (Or not. Talk about learning hard), but she is again revived by  the dwarfs. And the next morning the mirror tells the Queen that Snow  White is still “a thousand times more beautiful” (Okay, sounds kind of like the mirror is rubbing it in here.). Now the Queen nearly  has a heart attack in shock and rage (But unfortunately she doesn’t as  then there would be no villain in the story). As a third and last  attempt to rid herself of Snow White, she secretly consults the darkest  magic and makes a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer’s  wife, she offers it to Snow White (Snow White, really. You’ve learned  you lesson by now, right?). The girl is at first hesitant to accept it,  so the Queen cuts the apple in half, eating the white (harmless) half  and giving the red (poisoned) half to Snow White (It would make a  interesting story if she accidentally switched up the halves. And by the  way, where the heck do you find an apple with a different color on each  side? Not suspicious at all.). The girl eagerly (and stupidly) takes a bite and falls  into a state of suspended animation, causing the Queen to triumph. This  time the dwarfs are unable to revive the girl because they cannot find  the source of Snow White’s poor health (I would be ready to give up by  now. She’s not worth it if she’s that stupid), and assuming that she is  dead, they place her in a glass coffin.

Time passes and a prince  traveling through the land sees Snow White (Rotting away in her  coffin?). He strides to her coffin and, enchanted by her beauty,  instantly falls in love with her (Falls in love with a dead body?! What  the-?!). The dwarfs succumb to his entreaties to let him have the  coffin (“Look what I got, mom! A coffin with a dead lady in it!”), and  as his servants carry the coffin away, they stumble on some roots  (Clumsy move). The tremor caused by the stumbling causes the piece of  poisoned apple to dislodge from Snow White’s throat, awakening her (So  the coffin doesn’t shatter at all? Tough glass. And so the Prince  doesn’t kiss her to make her awake? Well, I suppose that’s better.  Kissing dead bodies is on an even creepier level). The Prince then  declares his love for her (People in these stories are so shallow), and  soon a wedding is planned. The couple invite every queen and king to  come to the wedding party, including Snow White’s step-mother.  Meanwhile, the Queen, still believing that Snow White is dead, again  asks her magical mirror who is the fairest in the land. The mirror says;  “You, my queen, are fair so true. But the young Queen is a thousand  times fairer than you (Man, what a squealer!)”.

Appalled, in  disbelief, and with her heart full of fear and doubts, the Queen is at  first hesitant to accept the invitation, but she eventually decides to  go (Because they’re gonna have cake!). Not knowing that this new queen  was indeed her stepdaughter, she arrives at the wedding, and her heart  fills with the deepest of anger when she realizes the truth. As a  punishment for her attempted murders, a pair of glowing-hot iron shoes  are brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She is forced  to step into the burning shoes and to dance until she drops dead (Ow,  ow, ow, ow! I definitely did NOT see that in the Disney movie!).

(With the dead body of the Queen laying on the ground, the couple are married. And, um, they live happily ever after? )

Sarcastic Beauty and the Beast

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

(Somehow I felt the need to make another Sarcastic Fairytale telling. Apologies in advance!)

Come and listen to a tale as old as time…

A wealthy widowed merchant lives in a mansion with his three daughters. All are equal in beauty, but the youngest, Beauty (Talk about a self absorbed name! And what if she HADN’T been pretty? What would you call her? “Ugly”?), is kind and pure of heart; while the two elders, in contrast, are wicked, selfish, vain and secretly taunt and treat Beauty more like a servant than a sister (Sounds more like Cinderella to me). The merchant eventually loses all of his wealth in a tempest at sea (Wait, so he loaded ALL his wealth, including his house and money onto a ship and it sinks? What? Or was it kind of a wizard of oz situation where the house gets sucked into the storm. But then it wouldn’t be a tempest. Or at sea.).

He and his daughters are consequently forced to live in a small farmhouse and work for their living (So they were like… normal people now?). After some years of this, the merchant hears that one of the trade ships he had sent off has arrived back in port, having escaped the destruction of its compatriots (And it took this ship HOW long to get it’s backside back to the port? Perhaps he took the scenic route? But how does that work? All ocean looks like ocean from what I can tell). He returns to the city to discover whether it contains anything valuable. Before leaving, he asks his daughters if they wish for him to bring any gifts back for them. The oldest two ask for clothing, jewels and the finest dresses possible, thinking his wealth has returned (Not yet, ladies. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!). Beauty is satisfied with the promise of a rose, as none grow in their part of the country (“Daddy, get my a flower grown in south Arabia!” That’s strangely specific but hey! Who am I to judge. No one made me the mother goose of fairytales). The merchant, to his dismay, finds that his ship’s cargo has been seized to pay his debts, leaving him without money to buy his daughters their presents (Bummer).

During his return, the merchant becomes lost in a forest (Then how’d he find his way through GETTING there? Perhaps consider a GPS). Seeking shelter, he enters a dazzling palace (That just so happens to be in the middle of some random forest that no one has ever discovered or noticed. Nicely convenient as always). A hidden figure opens the giant doors and silently invites him in (How does that even work? Not to mention that’s like super shady.). The merchant finds tables inside laden with food and drink, which seem to have been left for him by the palace’s invisible owner. The merchant accepts this gift and spends the night there (Yeah, let’s spend the night in an abandoned castle with some creepy person in it!). The next morning as the merchant is about to leave, he sees a rose garden and recalls that Beauty had desired a rose. Upon picking the loveliest rose he can find, the merchant is confronted by a hideous “Beast” (Just “Beast”? No description? For all we know his “Beast” could be a furry monster about two feet high.) which tells him that for taking his most precious possession (A rose? I didn’t know the beast was a gardener…? Either that, or he has some rotten possessions. I mean, I like roses, but they eventually die and they’re, you know, flowers? Why does everyone treasure flowers so much in this story? It’s kind of weird?) after accepting his hospitality, the merchant must die (Whoa. Heavy price just for plucking a flower, don’t you think? Also, that’s kind of an awkward exchange. *Plucks flower* *beast materializes out of nowhere* “You must die”). The merchant begs to be set free, arguing that he had only picked the rose as a gift for his youngest daughter (So SHE should be the blame). The Beast agrees to let him give the rose to Beauty, but only if the merchant will return.

The merchant is upset, but accepts this condition. The Beast sends him on his way, with jewels and fine clothes for his daughters, and stresses that Beauty must never know about his deal. The merchant, upon arriving home, tries to hide the secret from Beauty, but she pries it from him (Blabber mouth) and willingly goes to the Beast’s castle. The Beast receives her graciously and informs her that she is now mistress of the castle (“I’m Queen of the Castle! I’m Queen of the Castle! Bawahahahah!” Sorry. Show quote.) and he is her servant (She could order her servant to set her free maybe? This is kind of a weird deal). He gives her lavish clothing and food and carries on lengthy conversations with her. Every night, the Beast asks Beauty to marry him, only to be refused each time (“Our children would be the ugliest things!”). After each refusal, Beauty dreams of a handsome prince who pleads with her to answer why she keeps refusing him, to which she replies that she cannot marry the Beast because she loves him only as a friend (Aw… stuck in the friend zone. Tough luck buddy). Beauty does not make the connection between the handsome prince and the Beast and becomes convinced that the Beast is holding the prince captive somewhere in the castle (Wow, some “friend” Beauty is). She searches and discovers multiple enchanted rooms, but never the prince from her dreams.

For several months, Beauty lives a life of luxury at the Beast’s palace, having every whim catered to by servants, with no end of riches to amuse her and an endless supply of exquisite finery to wear. Eventually she becomes homesick and begs the Beast to allow her to go see her family. He allows it on the condition that she returns exactly a week later (A servant giving orders? Unheard of!). Beauty agrees to this and sets off for home with an enchanted mirror and ring. The mirror allows  her to see what is going on back at the Beast’s castle (Just because she’s nosy like that), and the ring allows her to return to the castle in an instant when turned three times around her finger (Or she could just tap her magical sparkly red shoes together three times and say, “There’s no place like home!”). Her older sisters are surprised to find her well fed and dressed in finery. They are envious when they hear of her happy life at the castle, and, hearing that she must return to the Beast on a certain day, beg her to stay another day, even putting onion in their eyes to make it appear as though they are weeping (I would be weeping for real if I stuck a veggie into my eyeball!). They hope that the Beast will be angry with Beauty for breaking her promise and eat her alive (Doesn’t Beauty have a lovely family?). Beauty’s heart is moved by her sisters’ false show of love, and she agrees to stay (Of course she does).

Beauty begins to feel guilty about breaking her promise to the Beast and uses the mirror to see him back at the castle. She is horrified to discover that the Beast is lying half-dead from heartbreak (like a heart attack or…? I am not aquainted with this medical condition) near the rose bushes her father had stolen from and she immediately uses the ring to return to the Beast.

Beauty weeps over the Beast, saying that she loves him (Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened to that whole “Just friends” bit?). When her tears strike him (“Ow! You just hit me with your tears!”), the Beast is transformed into the handsome prince from Beauty’s dreams. The Prince informs her that long ago a fairy turned him into a hideous beast after he refused to let her in from the rain, and that only by finding true love, despite his ugliness, could the curse be broken. He and Beauty are married (So much for being “just friends”. Whatever.) and they live happily ever after together. (yay them.)

The End