Category: Personal

An Open Letter to Freshman Me

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Wow! Where to begin, where to begin…

First off, hey there freshman me. Hope you’re doing well.

But I know you’re not doing well. You can’t hide it from others and most importantly, you can’t hide it from yourself. I know you’ve been trying but it just makes stuff all that much hard. When you’re hurting, sometimes it makes it worse to walk around on that broken leg or with that emotional wound exposed to the world. And all the while you’re telling yourself “yeah, I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m gonna be okay.”

Girl, stop it.

Truthfully, if this letter really could reach back in time, I think you really just needed to be served some hard truths mixed with what you were really craving during that time: a little bit of hope. Funny how those things can walk hand and hand.

Loving truth.

Those words shouldn’t be separate. They shouldn’t be seen as opposites that you must balance equally on a scale. They are partners. Perfect partners.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Dear Freshman Me,

You’re tired, aren’t you? You’ve been here before, haven’t you? And that frustrates you.

In middle school and high school, you fought tooth and nail to just be comfortable in your own skin. You desperately wanted to see some self-worth in that mirror of yours and you thought you finally had it a few years ago. You thought, Wow, glad I figured that out! Now I’m good for life!

You were not good for life.

Loving yourself and figuring out how to be a healthy individual is not a one time thing and you’re done. You have to relearn how to be comfortable with who you are and where you’re at every single time a big change comes along. (And sometimes it doesnt even have to be a big change).

And now you’re learning it in college. Which, turns out, is a lot harder than you imagined. And so you’re in denial while simultaneously being mad at yourself for not being happy or the least bit healthy. You are a champion at beating yourself up and that needs to stop because it will quite literally kill you.

This lens that you’re viewing life from is also jacked up. You’re stressing waaaaay to much over the stuff that doesn’t matter. The stuff that is out of your control. You have a work ethic, and I’m proud of you. But no amount of work will guarantee you EVERYTHING to go your way. And I know that’s going to be hard to accept.

As much as I want you to believe that you can work hard for nearly anything and reach that goal… that’s not 100% true. This is a good philosophy to hold but it is not a promise. It was never a promise.

So when you get crappy teachers, lose your job because of a pandemic, get mistreated and let down by friends and family alike, don’t quite meet the criteria for that scholarship, don’t pass that midterm despite studying for days… don’t internalize it. Take a deep breath and evaluate. Don’t blame. Evaluate.

Because sometimes, as I’m sure you’re aware of, you are going to be the bad guy, sometimes it will be your fault, and sometimes you COULD have done better. But that’s not the case here. You tried your best and you know it. And that’s where it should end. None of this beating yourself up and SEARCHING for reasons that it was your fault, because if it was, that implies you had some sort of control in the situation.

So stop! Be proud of yourself for just a couple seconds. Please. You got here and that’s worth celebrating, whether or not you choose to continue down this path or reavluate.

Secondly, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know you can’t see it and there will be more days in the future when you can’t see it, but you’ve gotta hold your feelings loosely. Yes, they’re important and they should be addressed but feelings can be a big ol’ liar too. So have a little faith.

Did you know, you’d finish the rough draft of your novel this year? You’re going to do that! Four years in the making and you’ll be able to print it out and begin the editing process and showing it to your friends! It’s going to be awesome!

You’re going to meet new people and they’re going to be great. I know some stuff hasn’t gone how you expected when it came to your social life, but people are going to let you done and sometimes you’re going to have to make the hard decision to move on without them, BUT (and there’s always a but) there are going to be some really neat new people for you to meet out there. That, and the ones who’ve stuck around, your friendships with them will only continue to strengthen.

You remember that saying? The one that goes “when a meeting occurs, a parting is sure to follow?” Well, I’m pretty sure the reverse is also true. Because when a parting occurs, a meeting is sure to follow. I promise you.

Gosh, this is getting long, but I still have so much to tell you.

Did you know you’re going to stop biting your nails? I know that might sound trivial to others but I think we both know the significance of that. A nervous tick that even braces couldn’t get rid of.

You’re going to wake up for classes every morning next semester and feel good! The first day of classes you’re going to cry in the car on the way home not because you’re sad, but because you’re thankful and oh-so relieved because you had a GOOD day and this semester is going to be nothing like this last one.

You’re new job is going to be hard but it’s going to be what you need. And people are going to appreciate and recognize you for your work ethic. I know that’s always meant a lot to you.

You’re going to be able to get coffee with friends and step away from studying with no self guilt. You’re going to cry and pray with that girl in the school library. You know, the one who you’ve been praying you could share your faith with? Yeah, that’s going to happen. You’re going to dissect things and that’s gonna be pretty awesome (the earth worm is kind of gross though, be warned). You’re going to write and write and write. You’re going to travel a little in the summer. Go on a roadtrip with your best friend (Twice!!). You’re going to attend a new bible study and you’re going to walk away from it every Wednesday feeling filled and happy. You’re going to have things to look forward to (you’re going to see the ocean next year!). You’re going to play DnD with old friends and a new one every other Saturday. You’re going to dress up in costumes, hang out with your sister and no longer feel like you’re walking on egg shells. You’re going to be an aunt soon, hold tight. You’re going to turn twenty in a few months.

Things aren’t just going to be okay, they’re going to be good. And you’ve gotta keep going so you can see it. I’m proud of you and wish you the best. There’s going to be some hard stuff up ahead but you’ll get through it. Because it will be good because God is good. And you’re going to feel that very soon.

Ugh, sorry, this is getting long. I know you probably have a mountain of biology homework to do so I’ll let you go. Take care of yourself, alright?

Love,

Sophomore Me

Thoughts on being (almost) halfway through college

~ Brooke F. ~ 1 Comment

I doubt any of the following thoughts will be unique but I still find it important that I type them out anyway. (Wow, that start sounded a lot more sardonic than I intended). What I mean is, I think most people are feeling what I’m feeling when I say that it’s all going by very quickly. Not in a bad way mind you. It just sort of surprises me.

I know I would depressed if I were standing still. If I weren’t making progress. But it’s only normal that I feel at least a little sad as I find myself already halfway through my time at college. Everything is so fast paced. I make friends in classes but before I know it, we’ve moved on to the next semester which brings on new classes and even more new friends.

Time drags but goes so fast at the same time. I think that midterms will never be over but once they are, I realize that there are only 6 weeks left in the semester. It’s very odd.

I think these thoughts occur mostly because there is a part of me that is pretty scared of what the world has in store for me beyond graduation. I feel like a “fake” adult right now. I don’t have a professional job and I’m mostly working on school. And school, though hard, is something I’m familiar with.

Growing up is so weird.

I want it to happen but when it does, I can’t help but think “I didn’t mean for it to all happen this fast.”

For me, growing up has been characterized not by being sad so much as being disoriented and confused. I don’t feel ready, but at the same time, everything I’ve been doing since grade school has been done to prepare me for this challenge of getting older. And I fully intend to meet it.

And it helps that I know, somewhere deeper than my feelings and bones that everything always ends up working out in the end.

So ready not, here life comes.

Perks of being a Writer

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

There are a lot of reasons I love writing. The expression, the escapism, the feeling of improving your craft just to name a few. But sometimes I can lose sight of these things. I place a lot of pressure on myself to perform well at many tasks in my day to day life. School, work, and anything in between. As a result, sometimes I exert this pressure upon myself when it comes to writing. On my bad days, I can sometimes lose sight of why I love doing this. So I composed a little list, more for myself than anything, of reasons I love the art form of putting your thoughts in pen.

Your work will outlive you and you leave something behind.

Not to be a wet blanket or anything, but sometimes I think about how long the world has been around and how very brief my existence is in it. It just puts things in perspective. But the thought that maybe someone years after I’m gone could stumble across any of my work and feel connection, makes me feel sunny inside.

You get the joy of exploring ideas and concepts without being bound to reality.

Reality can be a bit of a downer. This probably can go into the same category of escapism. Sometimes It’s nice to “play God” a little in your world and not be bound by the laws that actually govern you in the real world. You have freedom to explore whatever you wish.

You get to explore parts of yourself that you probably didn’t know.

I figured this out the more I started writing vent poetry that will never see the light of day. But I did find it very therapeutic and it helped me work through stuff and vocalize certain parts of myself that wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. Something about putting your thoughts in rhyme makes it almost fun and digestible even if the part of me the piece represents isn’t my favorite to look at.

You have the ability to touch people through your work.

Probably one of the biggest why’s as to why I write. Writing touched me as a young person (specifically during my lonely middle school days). I hope that my work can do the same for someone else, and perhaps make someone out there feel a little less lonely.

Increasing your knowledge of language and how to communicate with people.

English as a subject wasn’t always my favorite. It wasn’t terrible, don’t get me wrong, but I found I liked it much more in practice than when its broken down into rules and definitions. But one thing I did find and the more I wrote and read, the easier this subject got. Probably because English, like most all languages, is easier to learn in practice and the more you toy around with it.

You can live hundreds of lives.

Coming back ’round to the mortality thing, there are many things I will not get to experience. But writing offers me a little window into the many lives I will never truly live and I think that’s really special.

It doesn’t really cost you anything.

As a broke college student, this is a MARVELOUS perk. A healthy hobby that doesn’t dost anything is invaluable.

You can write for a long, long time.

A wonderful thought is that I can write all through my life. It is something that, If I want it to be, can be a constant in my life. I am not bound by the physical tax that puts an expiration date on many hobbies. I can write well into my older years, and that comforts me more and more with each passing year.

Being An All or Nothing Writer

~ Brooke F. ~ 6 Comments

One of the many writing struggles I have had to overcome as I write more and more is the issue that I tend to be an “all or nothing” person. And that transcends to nearly everything I do, including to my writing. So what does this look like exactly?

Well, for me personally, it looks like writing 4,000 words in an evening and then not touching the project for 4 months. It looks like powering through the first couple of chapters of a book and then going “alright, I’m not feeling this anymore”, and walking away.

And it sucks.

I have unfinished projects everywhere that include stories and other creative projects alike. I covered this in a similar way in my other blog post “The Struggles of a Project Bouncer”, one of the first Writing Blog posts I posted on this blog. In this post, I focused on this is a broad sense in that I have a bad habit of just jumping from one thing to another and not seeing stuff through to the end. And this seems to be particularly bad when it comes to my writing.

And the solution?

Well, it’s kind of boring, not gonna lie. It’s the answer to like 75% of must problems writer’s have and a lot of people have for that matter (myself included).

Self. Discipline.

Yuck. I don’t like that word. But it really is the answer to this “all or nothing” problem I have. But to get more specific, what does “self discipline” look like when it comes to pacing myself so I actually finish something in less than two years as oppose to typing out three chapters and walking away for 6 months?

Well, for me it looks like a writing schedule. And one that I stick to.

Everyone’s writing schedule looks different. In fact, many people measure it in different ways. Some people set the goal of writing X amount of chapters every week or month and others set their goal in amount of words. This seems to be the most common strategy.

Getting back to my particular solution, my goal tends to be around 5,000 words every week which comes to about 700 words every day which I know is manageable, at least in the summer time (my plan changes when school starts back of course). And even though I don’t stick to it perfectly, I find the pacing helps me see writing a more of a habit and something I do more consistently as oppose to a project I add to when the moon is in the sky just right and I actually feel like writing. Because If I do that, come to find out, I never get it done.

So if you’re an “All or nothing” writer like me, I definitely recommend trying this strategy. Try setting a goal and pacing yourself and resist the urge to spit up 5,000 words in one sitting and then running away.

You can do it! You can finish that story or that book! I believe in you!

Why do I Write?

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

Why do I write?

I thought I knew the answer to this question. I write as a coping mechanism, turning any negative emotion I had into words, and letting the ink bleed in my stead. But I never actually knew exactly why. I thought it was simply escapism. Finding solace in a world that I could create and then control. But I don’t think that is exactly right.

When life hits me, really hits me, it is often hard for me to dig myself out of my emotional “hole” so to speak. I know logically that things are going to be alright and that there are brighter days ahead but my feelings seem not to listen. They act independently of my thoughts, trying to assure me that this really IS the end of the world. And so I write. Not to escape but tell myself the truths that I know to be true, over and over again through characters and their story’s. Truths like goodness always pays, beauty is only skin deep, and pessimism really is the thief of happiness. All these truths and more I tell myself repeatedly, assuring myself that these things are true and always will be. I wrote what I needed to hear, at that moment in time when I thought I was lost.

I think that’s why I want to be a writer. Because maybe somewhere, someone else needs to hear these truths too.

Captain America 5 Minute Review

~ Brooke F. ~ 1 Comment

So I’m not a huge movie buff. I have a set of my favorite Disney movies I watch on repeat and a few retro films thrown into the mix that I watch when I feel sick but I do very little to keep up with the film industry and what they’re coming out with, mostly because I haven’t seen a movie really “catch my eye” in a long time. Disney’s golden age of film making has seemed to have halted with them largely pushing remakes in the last couple of years. But that all brings me to this statement:

I have never really seen a Marvel movie.

Ahem. 

Unlessss you count that time I watched Infinity War while third wheeling on one of my sister’s dates (please, never again. ) So it’s no wonder I watched it my internal monologue went something like this:

“Welp, that person died. By the music, I’m assuming that was significant.”

“Aaaaah yes, I remember seeing memes about this.”

“Welp, I hope that wasn’t an important plot point because I have no clue what they are talking about.”

“People are crying? Should I cry? Do I look heartless?”

“Disney is gonna make BANK from all these possible action figures like daaasng.”

So I had a friend who was kind enough to help remedy that. So began the saga of me watching the Marvel Movies in chronological order.

Starting with a movie I had heard quite a lot about:

Good ol’ Captain America staring the living embodiment of American pride and patriotisms in the 1930’s and 40’s and costarring his loveable sidekick buddy who you feel like he makes great team with except if you were to probably average the amount of time these two interacted in the movie, it would probably come out to maybe 7 minutes (Please don’t come at me, I really liked this movie actually).

Spoilers ahead! (obviously but I feel like I should preface as such anyways. Though I am very very late to this party so I would be kind of surprised if you hadn’t already seen this movie but who am I to judge?!)

So, first thoughts, I totally love the time period it’s set in. World war 2 movies are pretty cool in general. I realize the market is coming more and more saturated with World War 2 movies and people are getting sick of them but I honestly cannot get enough of them. I mean, The hair? The clothes? The impending doom looming over everyone’s heads? The bold lipstick?

Okay, in all seriousness I think I love movies set in this time period so much because they are just LOADED with heavy story material and while I do love the aesthetical flare of this time period, I think it has more to do with the fact that this was a very real and dangerous time that people lived in and there were very real sacrifices people made. Seeing movies set in these time periods remind me of that and while they make for an amazing “good vs. evil” struggle that we love to watch, I think what really get me is the emotional weight these stories can often hold set in this very dark time.

Now moving right along, this movie had great music. I mean, not Lord of the Rings kind of iconic scores but I did really enjoy the overall track. There really isn’t much else I have to say on this.

Now, on to the writing-

I thought it was really cool how they made Steve a righteous character/hero without making him too cookie cutter. I think that’s really hard to do sometimes. 

Peggy was fabulous and fun to watch because I think it’s always nice to see at least one character sort of have their act together. You can’t help but respect the character’s hustle.

The Bucky-Steve friendship was a very enjoyable dynamic to watch. Too bad it was terminated part way through (in this particular movie) but understandable as it did propel the plot forward and contribute to Steve’s character arch. 

Red skull was kind of a corny villain or maybe it was the fact that he looked like a sun-dried tomato, but MAN HE WAS UGLY but still fun to watch nonetheless. Corny is a little fun sometimes. 

Overall, really enjoyable but I have one question:

If his shield is vibration proof, then how does it bounce off of stuff? Or maybe it’s just a case of movie physics and I’m just asking too trivial of a question. 

Overall really interesting and a nice twist on the super hero genre style movie.  

Favorite scenes were as followed:

1. When Steve is reminiscing of all the places he got beat up while in the car with Peggy Carter. I think one reason this character gets so much love is Marvel also seemed to emphasize a loveably awkward side to his character that is admittedly fun to watch. 

2. Steve throwing himself on the grenade. It’s a little bit different “right of passage” then most movies do for their main character. I simplistic scene that lasted like 5 second but told a lot about the characters present while establishing what makes this Main character different. 

3. Peggy shooting his shield when she is mad at him with a dead pan face. Iconic and so very funny. 

4. Final scene where he’s about to crash land and he’s talking to Peggy over the intercom. May have shed a 1/4 of a tear but don’t tell anyone, my reputation would be ruined. 

5. Him blowing up his motorcycle nonchalantly  

Also, why did no one tell me Steve can draw really well??? Don’t know why that stuck out to me but monkeys are hard to draw. I don’t know why, but I just think it’s cool when they accentuate character talents beyond just being “the chosen one”.

Aaaaand that’s it I think! Those are all my imminent thoughts upon watching Marvel’s Captain America!

Monet Quotes that make the World that much Brighter

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

“I must have flowers, always, and always.”

“Color is my daylong obsession, joy, and torment.”

“Every day I discover
more and more
beautiful things.
It’s enough to drive one mad.
I have such a desire
to do everything,
my head is bursting with it.”

“My garden is my most beautiful masterpiece”

“the more I live, the more I regret how little I know”

“It’s on the strength of observation and reflection that one finds a way. So we must dig and delve unceasingly.”

“What keeps my heart awake is colorful silence.”

“I can only draw what I see.”

“I don’t think I’m made for any earthly kind of pleasure.”

“No one but myself knows the anxiety I go through and the trouble I give myself…”

“I get madder and madder on giving back what I feel.”

Henri Matisse Quotes that make my Heart Happy

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.”

“Jazz is rhythm and meaning.”

“Creativity takes courage.”

“Don’t wait for inspiration. It comes while one is working.”

“To arrive is to be in prison.”

“When you’re out of willpower, you can call on stubbornness.”

“I am made of all that I have seen.”

“Derive happiness in oneself from a good day’s work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us.”

The Struggles of a Project Bouncer

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

I, my dear friends, am a project bouncer. All too often I’m struck with a lightning bolt of creativity that fuels me roughly for a week only to dissipate as quickly as It came. 

And so I’m left with a story concept that is pushed to the back shelf that is already crowded with other dead ideas and concepts that I l tell myself I’ll get to later. And of course, later never comes. 

I think the most frustrating bit about this aspect of personality is that fact that I always feel like I’m overflowing with ideas and yet I don’t actually get anything done. After the end of a creative jolt I’m left with nothing but a vague character description and plot outline and a blank word document. It’s like I’m encountering writers block before I’ve even started. I can’t focus on one idea long enough and everything feels like it’ll result in a dead end. 

But, as I’ve come to figure out, my problem isn’t necessarily the time that I have with an idea that’s giving me issues. It’s the way I use it.  

You see, if you’re anything like me, your creative eureka! Moments happen often frequently but they are fleeting. Generally what I do with this time is… well nothing.  And that, my dear friends, is my problem. I squander my creative bursts on… daydreaming? Nothing productive anyway. 

So here’s how I combatted this issue. The solution was really simple actually. 

Every inspiring idea and concept that comes to my head revolving around this topic, I write down. Everything. All the random bits of dialogue, all the random character details, the scenes… all of it. 

And needed to put to use my creative energy right away. I needed to stop “letting it simmer” because that leads to me burning out. I learned that I needed to take advantage of this flash of inspiration and actually WRITE. There’s no room for perfection. I just need to DO it cause pretty soon I’m going to loose steam and that’ll be the end of it. 

And, so, by the end of a weeks time (and my creative high), I should have the hardest part of the story out of the way; the beginning. And if I can get that down, I can run with it and see where the story takes me. 

“The beginning is perhaps more difficult than anything else, but keep heart, it will turn out all right.”

~Vincent Van Gogh 

Van Gogh Quotes that feed my Soul

~ Brooke F. ~ Leave a comment

“Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.”

“The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.”

“I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it.”

“Art is to console those who are broken by life.”

“I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things.”

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.”

“I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.”

“I wish they would take me as I am.”

“Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”

“Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.”

“I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.”

“What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?”

“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.”

“Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.”

“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke.”

“The beginning is perhaps more difficult than anything else, but keep heart, it will turn out all right.”