Sarcastic Snow White
A beautiful young queen sits sewing at an open window during a winter snowfall (Why is she letting all the hot air in the castle out and the snow in? My Mom would yell it me to shut the stinking window! Does she have any idea how much heat costs?! Were you raised in a barn? (Well, this is a fairytale so this may be a possibility…)) when she pricks her finger with her needle (Smooth one, Queenie), causing three drops of red blood to drip onto the freshly fallen white snow on the black windowsill. Admiring the beauty of the resulting color combination, she says to herself, “How I wish that I had a daughter that had skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony” (Okay, this is kind of weird. So she can have a daughter to her and say, “I jabbed myself in the finger with a needle and thought of you!”). Soon after that, the Queen gives birth to a baby daughter, a beautiful and sweet girl with skin as white as snow (Unless she gets sunburn of course), lips as red as blood, and hair as black as ebony. She is named ‘Snow White’. Sadly, the Good Queen, Snow White’s mother, dies during child birth.
After a year has passed, Snow White’s father, the King, takes a new and second wife, who is very beautiful but a wicked and vain woman (Aren’t all stepmothers?). The new queen, Snow White’s evil stepmother, possesses a magic mirror (Just a random magic mirror that came from nowhere), which she asks every morning, “Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all? (Not that she’s self absorbed or anything)” The mirror always replies, “My Queen, you are the fairest one of all. (Okay, so the mirror’s a suck up?)” The Queen is always pleased with that because the magic mirror never lies (Or he’s just a suck up like I said). But as Snow White grows up, she becomes more beautiful each day and even more beautiful than the Queen, and when the Queen asks her mirror, it tells her that Snow White is the fairest. (Snitch)
This gives the queen a great shock. She becomes yellow and green with envy (That’s why she’s not the fairest of ’em all anymore) and from that hour on, her heart turns against Snow White, and she hates her more and more each day. Envy and pride, like ill weeds, grow in her heart taller every day, until she has no peace day or night (Because she has a weedy heart. Ever hear of weed killer?). Eventually, the Queen orders a huntsman to take Snow White into the deepest woods to be killed (Nice mum, ain’t she?). As proof that Snow White is dead, the Queen demands that he return with her lungs and liver (So she can do what with it? Eat them for supper? By now, I wouldn’t be surprised. This stepmom lady has me freaked out). The huntsman takes Snow White into the forest. After raising his knife, he finds himself unable to kill her as she sobs heavily and begs him; “Oh, dear huntsman, don’t kill me! Leave me with my life; I will run into the forest and never come back!” The huntsman leaves her behind alive, convinced that the girl would be eaten by some wild animal (Like that’s any better). He instead brings the Queen the lungs and liver of a young boar, which is prepared by the cook and eaten by the Queen (I’m serious, I have never read this version of the story before and I just foretold cannibalism).
After wandering through the forest for days, Snow White discovers a tiny cottage belonging to a group of Seven Dwarfs. Since no one is at home, she eats some of the tiny meals, drinks some of their wine and then tests all the beds (Sounds like Goldilocks to me). Finally the last bed is comfortable enough for her and she falls asleep (“This bed is just right.”). When the seven dwarfs return home, they immediately become aware that someone sneaked in secretly, because everything in their home is in disorder. During their loud discussion about who sneaked in, they discover the sleeping Snow White (Who never woke up even though they were having a loud discussion?). The girl wakes up (Finally) and explains to them what happened and the dwarfs take pity on her, saying; “If you will keep house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us, and you shall have everything that you want.” They warn her to be careful when alone at home and to let no one in when they are away delving in the mountains.
Meanwhile, the Queen asks her mirror once again; “Magic mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?” The mirror replies; “My queen, you are the fairest here so true. But Snow White beyond the mountains at the seven dwarfs is a thousand times more beautiful than you (Tattle tale mirror)”. The Queen is horrified to learn that the huntsman has betrayed her and that Snow White is still alive. She keeps thinking about how to get rid of Snow White, then she disguises herself as an old peddler. The Queen then walks to the cottage of the dwarfs and offers her colorful, silky laced bodices and convinces the girl to take the most beautiful bodice as a present (Wait, so Snow White doesn’t recognize her? I mean, I know she’s disguised but this IS her mother). Then the Queen laces it so tightly that Snow White faints (This part makes me breath heavily I can picture it a little too vividly.), causing the Queen to leave her for dead. But the dwarfs return just in time, and Snow White revives when the dwarfs loosen the laces.
The next morning the Queen consults her mirror anew and the mirror reveals Snow White’s survival (Snitching mirror! Why don’t you give it a rest?). Now infuriated, the Queen dresses as a comb seller and convinces Snow White to take a beautiful comb as a present (Come on Snow White, you can’t be that dumb). She brushes Snow White’s hair with a poisoned comb, and the girl faints again (Or not. Talk about learning hard), but she is again revived by the dwarfs. And the next morning the mirror tells the Queen that Snow White is still “a thousand times more beautiful” (Okay, sounds kind of like the mirror is rubbing it in here.). Now the Queen nearly has a heart attack in shock and rage (But unfortunately she doesn’t as then there would be no villain in the story). As a third and last attempt to rid herself of Snow White, she secretly consults the darkest magic and makes a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer’s wife, she offers it to Snow White (Snow White, really. You’ve learned you lesson by now, right?). The girl is at first hesitant to accept it, so the Queen cuts the apple in half, eating the white (harmless) half and giving the red (poisoned) half to Snow White (It would make a interesting story if she accidentally switched up the halves. And by the way, where the heck do you find an apple with a different color on each side? Not suspicious at all.). The girl eagerly (and stupidly) takes a bite and falls into a state of suspended animation, causing the Queen to triumph. This time the dwarfs are unable to revive the girl because they cannot find the source of Snow White’s poor health (I would be ready to give up by now. She’s not worth it if she’s that stupid), and assuming that she is dead, they place her in a glass coffin.
Time passes and a prince traveling through the land sees Snow White (Rotting away in her coffin?). He strides to her coffin and, enchanted by her beauty, instantly falls in love with her (Falls in love with a dead body?! What the-?!). The dwarfs succumb to his entreaties to let him have the coffin (“Look what I got, mom! A coffin with a dead lady in it!”), and as his servants carry the coffin away, they stumble on some roots (Clumsy move). The tremor caused by the stumbling causes the piece of poisoned apple to dislodge from Snow White’s throat, awakening her (So the coffin doesn’t shatter at all? Tough glass. And so the Prince doesn’t kiss her to make her awake? Well, I suppose that’s better. Kissing dead bodies is on an even creepier level). The Prince then declares his love for her (People in these stories are so shallow), and soon a wedding is planned. The couple invite every queen and king to come to the wedding party, including Snow White’s step-mother. Meanwhile, the Queen, still believing that Snow White is dead, again asks her magical mirror who is the fairest in the land. The mirror says; “You, my queen, are fair so true. But the young Queen is a thousand times fairer than you (Man, what a squealer!)”.
Appalled, in disbelief, and with her heart full of fear and doubts, the Queen is at first hesitant to accept the invitation, but she eventually decides to go (Because they’re gonna have cake!). Not knowing that this new queen was indeed her stepdaughter, she arrives at the wedding, and her heart fills with the deepest of anger when she realizes the truth. As a punishment for her attempted murders, a pair of glowing-hot iron shoes are brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She is forced to step into the burning shoes and to dance until she drops dead (Ow, ow, ow, ow! I definitely did NOT see that in the Disney movie!).
(With the dead body of the Queen laying on the ground, the couple are married. And, um, they live happily ever after? )
By the Brooke 